


Gravitation.

by poetdameron



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barebacking, Blow Jobs, Bottom Ryan, Explicit Sexual Content, Getting Back Together, Hand Jobs, Implied Suicide Attempt Mention, M/M, Post-Possession, Rimming, Ryan's POV, Top Shane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-18 20:07:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16523768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetdameron/pseuds/poetdameron
Summary: In the half emptiness of his life, Ryan finds Shane again after two years of not seeing each other. Or more like, Shane finds Ryan after being possessed by a demon and having to re-build his life.





	Gravitation.

**Author's Note:**

> Boy, I've been working on this fic for an entire year, no joking. I changed the places where shit happened as I went through it, and this was writen before Shane got his cat-- you'll see why I'm making this comment right now when you read forward.
> 
> I know it's long, I have no chill. This story means a lot to me, so I'm hoping you guys will like it at least a bit. Maybe leave a comment? 
> 
> This story was beta-ed by the amazing and so patient [nnadej](https://nnadej.tumblr.com/) on tumblr, who is new to this fandom and you guys should follow her and welcome her like we know. Thanks a lot for everything, Meagan!
> 
> Details you may need a visual/calrification for:  
> \- Shane's hair is [this](https://66.media.tumblr.com/b4bb6a0050876db1e2319e765591b5f1/tumblr_php0xzNdbU1wgbvxlo3_500.jpg) long.  
> \- Ryan lowkey looks like [this](https://66.media.tumblr.com/e416af4e967a9e173f9c1e761643a67b/tumblr_php0xzNdbU1wgbvxlo4_640.png).  
> \- The [tattoo](https://66.media.tumblr.com/44de5f6f16c7d41e322a45c5b708112b/tumblr_php0xzNdbU1wgbvxlo1_640.jpg) (only the cross) and the [cross](https://66.media.tumblr.com/0b194d76033e6a74c0cc12b90131d219/tumblr_php0xzNdbU1wgbvxlo2_640.jpg).  
> \- [Daisy](https://www.instagram.com/p/Bo2OEkjnaf7/).  
> \- Emily is the name of the demon in the Bellaire House, supposedly.  
> \- [Cascade Drive-In](http://www.cascadedrivein.com/) and Pulaski exist.  
> \- The song they dicuss is [Pulaski At Night](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oecHq2neweA) by Andrew Bird, and funny enough, Shane does like that song and the singer.
> 
> If you have tumblr and you liked this, please support me by reblogging the [original post](http://yaboybergara.tumblr.com/post/179772657632/gravitation-shyan)!

Steven and Andrew would be the death of Ryan.

Not because either of them would ever hurt him, but because they were so fucking in love, it made him nauseous and irritated within seconds of witnessing just the way they looked at each other as they said their goodbye in the airport.

Ryan sighed, looked at his phone and hoped. _“I loved you_ ,” he read for God knows what time just that day. A hand landed on his shoulder and when he looked up, Steven was smiling at him, kind and worried.

“Are you gonna be okay?”

He had to smile then, he had good friends no matter what. “Yeah, dude. Come on, it’s just some cold city for two days.”

Steven grimaced and moved his head to one side. “It’s not just any city.”

No, it wasn’t. But Ryan had smiled anyway and said goodbye as the man waved his hand to him and his fiancé. He wasn’t so sure why he had agreed to take this trip with Andrew and Tiffany, but the only idea on his mind at the moment was the same he has had for over two years.

“Take care of my man, Ryan!” Steven yelled at him, making him laugh and Andrew sigh in desperation, practically running towards the gate to get to their waiting area, Tiffany poking fun at him right behind.

“We will be fine! Go to work!”

His phone vibrated inside his pocket, his heart jumping at the feeling. Ryan waited until they were sitting, Tiffany and Andrew exchanging some silly banter over whose uncle would get drunker at the Lim-Ilnyckyj wedding and say the worst speech at 3 a.m., to take out his phone and check.

(7:21) _Yeah, man_

_He’s here._

“Fuck…” Ryan licked his lips. “Alright.”

He had just one thing in mind when he said yes to accompany Andrew to check on his wedding cake in Chicago since Steven couldn’t for work, just one thing: closure.

**Gravitation.**

He kept texting all the way to the hotel, trying to find out some information he knew nobody but Patrick could give him. Ryan had to play it cool, moving his feet in rhythm with his heart as Andrew eyed him from time to time. They were going to be sharing a room, and as soon as they entered, the man stopped him before he opened a hole in the carpet with how much he was walking around, holding his phone up.

“That’s enough.” His phone disappeared from his side and suddenly, it was 2019 again and Andrew was calling him out, months after everything went down and he became a shadow of the man he was. “You need to stop with this, I’m starting to think I should send you back home.”

“I’m not a baby.”

“You sure sound like one right now.” The man smiled. Ryan blinked a couple of times, he was offering his phone back with a sigh, the seriousness of his face made Ryan want to die a little. This was it, all of it again. “You know… I know you are hoping—“

“I’m not—“

“For _something_.” Andrew didn’t let him run from it. “And if it’s going to happen, it will. Right now, I really need you to calm down because we are seeing this chef first and then walking around to all these appointments Steven made for us. Okay?”

Ryan sighed, hands on his pockets without taking his phone just yet. He looked up and closed his eyes, enjoying the stretch of his neck with each movement. He was losing his cool again, and _nothing_ was happening.

He had things to do here. He had promised Steven to be by Andrew’s side in this quest for the perfect wedding cake and menu, and he owed his friends his healthier state, he couldn’t fuck up with his personal shit.

“I’m sorry. Yeah, yeah—I’ll take a shower and we can get going.”

“Perfect.” Andrew smiled a little. “Here.”

Ryan took his phone, it illuminated with the touch and a text was sitting there from Patrick again. He saw Andrew shake his head at the sight of him immediately opening it, but walked away to unpack a few things, excusing himself to go see if Tiffany was alright in her room.

(13:13) _Idk, dude_

_If I give you his number just like that, he’s gonna kill me._

_Also he is at work so, like_

_Idk_

Swallowing once more, Ryan accepted his defeat and tried a last resource.

(13:19) Well how about this?

What if you text him or call him

and tell him I’m here and want to see him??

(13:22) You think he may want to see me?

(13:23) Ask him if you can give me his number!

(13:26) Please, dude

Reading his texts over and over, he knew he shouldn’t had asked if he thought Shane wanted to see him. He sounded so fucking desperate, Patrick must be having a laugh at his expense at work. The screen went black, and Ryan could hear Tiffany’s laugh in the hallway and the door opening, so he moved to his bag to take his clean clothes out and get into the bathroom.

The TV was on as he looked at himself in the mirror, jacket, beanie and gloves off. Andrew had taken Tiffany’s bathroom for his own shower; she wanted to be the last one to use it to take her sweet time. Their first appointment wasn’t until four, they had two hours to spend. 

With no text yet on his phone, Ryan started to undress.

* * *

 

The best time of his life, Ryan believed, was when he lived with Shane.

His year hadn’t started in the best way, single and wondering what had he done wrong for a breakup to shake his existence. Back then, he didn’t know how much he leaned on Shane, how much he put on him as his friend listened and offered a smile, a drink, pancakes he didn’t like and finally, his own house.

Living with Shane had been great since day one. His move-in day had started early and it had involved a lot of laughs, Danny and Roland making fun of him alongside Shane, all the parts of him coming together to form what his life had been back then.

Even with the sadness of Helen’s absence, he had been _happy_.

Nowadays, two years later, she called every two weeks and asked in the softest voice, “How are you doing?”, hoping something had changed since the last day she called.

But it never did. Ryan giggle it away every time, talking about his work and the things he’s planning, and how much he’s enjoying whatever the hell it’s new that week.

“Do you miss it?” she would ask from time to time. Not always, it was more an occurrence with months in between. Ryan always wondered if she meant it or _him_. “Unsolved. Do you miss it?” she clarified when he didn’t answer right away 

That was the part where he either lied or told the truth.

He missed it every day, less lately, but still in the back of his head. He missed the smell of dust and old memories that didn’t belong to him, the silence of darkness and the warm of the man that used to follow him into it without hesitation.

“No”, he had said last week before going to Chicago. “I mean—sometimes. But not lately.” He opted for the truth this time. “I miss him.”

Because it was Shane what he missed, not the views and the stress of editing. He still did as much research because old habits die hard, but he was at least thankful for the chance he had and the fact that he didn’t need to edit hours of radio static and silence.

“Are you seeing him in Chicago?”

“I don’t know—I don’t have his number anymore.” Ryan swallowed, like he was doing today as he walked inside the restaurant Tiffany’s phone guide had signaled as the one Steven wanted them to visit. “I’m trying to get it. But I don’t think he’ll want to see me.”

“It may surprise you.” She had answered.

Ryan knew Helen had Shane’s number, he knew they were in contact and that he slept at her and Matt’s apartment every time he went to New York. But she wouldn’t betray that friendship for him; she was loyal and loved them both enough to not step into their chaos.

Back on today, Andrew and Tiffany were sitting down in the waiting area. He followed them and blinked back to his own mind. He answered a few texts from his mom, Jake, Danny and Steven, knowing well Andrew had updated him about his situation.

The support he had gotten from these two was a nice surprise. Not like if he had doubted their genuine affection and friendship towards him, but when he needed it the most, both had stood with him and that was part of why Ryan was now here, going around with Andrew to make sure everything at his wedding was perfect.

His phone vibrated, Ryan looked down to the screen showing a text from Patrick and he swallowed, opening right awa—a number. His eyes opened wide and he could feel something cold hitting his lower back.

_(16:21) He’s working, tho_

_Call around six_

For a second, Ryan looked up at Andrew who was standing to talk to the man he and Steven had already met years ago for their show. He seemed to recognize him and immediately fell on a conversation that made Tiffany take out her own phone, so Ryan took that as an indicator he’d be alright with his nose deep in this new information.

 _(16:23)_ You talked to him?

He said yes to this?

The answer was taking its sweet time, so Ryan tried his best to not twitch his leg in nervousness. Andrew side eyed him and he froze, the man was one of the sharpest observers he knew and he’ll had to explain this new information to him soon if he didn’t maintain his chill.

Ryan swallowed for what felt like the fifth time in the day.

_(16:31) Yeah_

_But Ry, don’t get too excited_

_This a-hole hardly has time for his mom_

Fuck that. Ryan smiled wider than he had in months.

Andrew was full on looking at him now, and Ryan smiled up at him, showing his phone when the man gestured with his hand as if asking what was going on. The screen showed his new contact, Shane A. Madej, and Andrew’s hand slowly went to his side, probably wondering if this was actually a good thing.

Everyone knew the rest of their story. Hell, the internet had some good deeds on it he didn’t like to think about.

Still, Ryan couldn’t help but smile and wonder if Shane still smelled of wood and cologne, coffee and that chocolate based shampoo his mother used to send him for his sensitive hairline.

He saved the number, all those mornings he woke up next to him replaying on his head. And as his mind danced around their months living under the same roof, it soon went to the last months before Shane left, to the Bellaire House and Sorrel Weed House.

 _Their_ _city_ , Savannah, and hooking up like the clichés they were.

Glowing eyes and strange smiles that didn’t belong to Shane, sounds that couldn’t be real. Thoughts that weren’t his, nights spent without sleep, expensive therapies.

Father Thomas.

Doctor Landa.

Shane looking at him with vacant eyes, head on Ryan’s mother’s lap, turning around on their couch, hiding his eyes from him, making himself smaller in his mother’s care as his traveled from his hometown to LA in urgency.

Fuck.

* * *

 

There’s a part of him that can’t believe he’s here in this city after all that. They always talked of coming here together, like the couple they never were, but that trip never was and so they never were.

Ryan looked up at Andrew looking worried about— whatever. _Everything_ at this point, and smiled softly, imagining the bliss his friends will feel once all this planning was over and the wedding had passed.

Andrew glared at Steven’s sister; Tiffany giggled happily and went back to the counter with the cake pictures they had been checking, and his friend looked at him with a deeper frown each time.

“I’m going to die.”

Ryan gave his phone another glance, clearing the screen to nothing and swallowed hard, looking back at Andrew who was walking slowly to him.

“Come on, Andrew...” Ryan smiled, playing with his phone between his fingers. “It’s just a cake.”

“It’s not just a cake, man.” He said, sitting heavily at his side. His voice sounded concerned and Ryan smiled while recognizing he was able to tell now, when he once thought Andrew the most stoic man. “If I ruin this, Steven will divorce me the second he sees the cake.”

Ryan wheezed, “I don’t think he’ll divorce you for a cake.”

“My man likes his cake...”

He almost choked on his giggle, his phone slipped from his fingers and crashed to the wooded ground, making him react faster than he would in any other situation. It only made him look as desperate as he felt, Ryan realized, taking his phone. He illuminated the screen for the god-knows-what time.

Nothing.

“He hasn’t answered?” Andrew murmured, that tone everyone used around him since Shane left suddenly back after months of being free of it.

“No.” Ryan only said.

Chicago could fuck itself, Shane Madej included.

To be fair, he hadn’t followed Patrick’s advice of reaching to Shane at six, after work. No, his damn anxiety had to make him grab his phone and text him, first a simple “hi”, then a few more things about being in the city and wanting to meet.

A first call half an hour later, another two fifteen minutes after, and now this—whatever the hell he was doing, waiting for an answer to eight texts that ask for attention and a couple of calls that have been received with nothing but silence

But at least the food was damn good in this restaurant.

Ryan could see why Steven was determined to have this chef for his and Andrew’s wedding, and he felt just a little bit bad for the man who couldn’t be here with them, enjoying this fucking— _gold_ they were eating.

Andrew eyed the kitchen again, impatience radiating from him as the restaurant kept passing more and more food to their table. Tiffany moaned when another plate was put in front of her and Ryan smiled, looking at her sadly stab her food with her fork to keep eating.

This was going to be the death of all three of them.

“So, have you tried calling him?” Andrew asked, deciding to distract himself by torturing Ryan.

He kept eating his pasta, debating between ignoring his friend or give up. Talk. Like a normal person. Ryan side looked at him, swallowing his food before sighing and going for a napkin.

Cleaning himself, he talked. “Yeah? But it keeps going to voice mail.”

“Well...” Andrew sighed, the worried expression on his face made Ryan feel sick but he couldn’t comment on it. “Maybe he just had his phone off. Do you know what he does now? He may be working.”

“I guess so...” He answered, trying to sound as casual as possible and not said he knew Shane was, in fact, working. Ryan went for another bite to his food, trying to ignore the sore feeling at his stomach's mouth. “Or he just doesn’t wanna see me. That’s fine. It’s not like if it’s important or something. We aren’t friends anymore, so...”

The answer didn’t seem to help his case since both his companions were looking at him as worried as Steven had sounded the second he realized what Ryan’s double intentions of coming with Andrew in this trip were.

So, he rolled his eyes at it as he did with Steven back then.

He was a groomsman, for fuck’s sake, it was kind of his job to accompany Andrew, in name of Steven, in this kind of shit. The fact that it was in Chicago was just… a curious coincidence, he just wanted to maybe take the chance and fix his past, but it wasn’t—necessary, just an option. That was what he had told his friend and himself, anyway.

“Well, if you ask me,” Steven’s sister started, “he sounds rude as hell and you shouldn’t waste your time thinking much about it.”

Andrew nodded a little, lost in thought before looking at Ryan. “I mean, you haven’t talked to him in months, right?”

“Yeah, almost five months...”

Four months, two weeks and six days. The fact that Ryan knew this made him feel sick.

“I wouldn’t talk to him if it had been me, I think.” Ryan murmured after a while. At the silence, he looked up and found Tiff looking away and Andrew at him with a serious expression. “It was kinda my fault, so--”

“It wasn’t.” They said at the same time, both looked at each other after a pause.

Andrew cleared his throat and talked directly at him. “Bergara, you can’t keep blaming yourself for that. When he agreed to Unsolved, he was aware of the… the danger.”

“He didn’t believe in any--”

“His problem.” Andrew said, then sighed. “There was the possibility. And I consider him my friend, even if he may not come to my wedding, but it wasn’t your fault.”

Ryan moved his head, shrugging at that. “It wasn’t his either. Don’t be cruel.”

The way Andrew’s eyes opened almost made him smile, but this thing— this ghost in his life was too big. It was heavy on his shoulders and its shadow only reminded him of how little he was able to do when it all happened. His friend shook his head.

“No, no, I didn’t mean that. No.” He said, “What I mean is that you have to stop thinking it’s your fault.” They went silent after that, Andrew licked his lips and added, “It must be difficult for him to see any of us.”

 _To see you_ , what was Andrew wanted to say and Ryan nodded.

Of course Shane wasn’t interested in seeing him again after a year of ignoring his texts and calls, and everything else in between; only showing up when he wanted to fuck with Ryan’s head.

When—when _It_ happened, Ryan had done everything in his power to help his friend and yet, everything went to shit. Shane’s life was too different when it all ended, and Ryan knew why he had needed to start over, but… to left him aside, that had hurt.

It didn’t help that _It_ —that, that Thing wasn’t like it was shown in movies. No, fuck no. It was somehow worse, now that he thought of it.

“That thing played with his head for months.” Ryan murmured, he knew talking about it made everyone uncomfortable, but he had to said it out loud if only to convince himself that Shane not talking to him was justified. “I wouldn’t talk to me if I was him either, to be honest.”

“Really?” Andrew asked after a few seconds of silence and Ryan looked up. “But it wasn’t your fault,” he insisted.

“No,“ he admitted, because it wasn’t—“but I was part of it. I guess… maybe it reminds him of it. 

He did leave BuzzFeed and Los Angeles, and after a while, him. He left everything and everyone behind. Nobody knew what Shane Madej did with his life now and all his public social media had been abandoned or deleted in the few weeks after moving to Chicago. 

“Yeah.” Andrew cleared his throat. “If—If a demon possessed me, I wouldn’t get out of my house ever again.”

There it is.

* * *

 

At morning, Ryan used to wake up thinking of how much he hated to get out of bed for work.

But after Savannah in 2018, he made an effort of waking up before Shane every day. Just to see him sleep, or just to enjoy the way his arm got his back against his chest, fingers interlocked with his over his heart, his chin on his head, his other arm under the pillow and his head.

It made him feel a certain way. He hadn’t had a name for it at the time, but he liked the sensation of being spooned by Shane or waking up in the space between his shoulder and neck, his sleeping form the first thing he saw each morning.

He had such happy memories of living with him, doing most things together, working, laughing, kissing him and getting into bed with him. To discover all that was tainted by the demon they picked up in the Bellaire House had been devastating, and now he was here—

Chicago could fuck itself, it was too cold for Ryan’s ass and he was getting tired of walking around, waiting for Andrew to decide on a cake and then go back to the same damn restaurant to talk some more about the reception’s food with the chef. 

His friend was—look, he was in his right to be excited about his wedding. When Steven and Andrew had started dating, everyone and their mother cheered for them at the office, and Ryan knew they would last.

So when he was asked to be one of Steven’s groomsmen, he had happily said yes and even accepted to come along into this small trip to Chicago with the future Mr. Lim when Steven couldn’t come. No double intentions as Tiff had pointed out earlier that day, no false hopes as Andrew’s eyes had let seen to suspect as the Shane Thing came up.

 _Nope_.

Ryan knew it was next to impossible to ever get back that friendship or that whatever he and Shane were once.

He didn’t like to think much of the conversation he still had archived somewhere in his phone and computer, and that only Jake had seen. It sure as hell reminded him that Ryan was never seeing Shane again and he had been stupid to think he may get some closure in this trip.

So what, he had other plans in mind when he accepted to come along. Big deal. It wasn’t happening anyway.

“It’s fucking cold here…” Ryan murmured as he and Andrew walked in front of the restaurants, the slow pace of this city on Tuesday making him wonder how could it be named one of the biggest city in the States. “My lips are all dry and chewed up, I hate this.”

“You need a kiss!” Tiffany almost singed and Ryan couldn’t help but smile just a tiny bit 

“A good fuck is what I need,” he answered, not sure why voicing his sorta loneliness made him feel better about not having sex in months. Since those fucking messages came to screw his head.

Andrew snorted at his side, his laugh stealing a small smile from Ryan as they passed a bar with a too big window, neon lights illuminating their faces for a few seconds. Then, his phone vibrated again. Ryan swallowed but ignored it, they had shit to do and he couldn’t keep waiting like an idiot.

“Maybe this will be your lucky week.” Tiffany smirked at his side and Ryan mock-glared at her, his phone suddenly making noise between them. “Oh, would you look at that?” She smiled.

Ryan blinked a couple of times, heart raising on his chest as he took out his phone and looked at the caller. Patrick. Sighing, he hoped his disappointed wasn’t showing, he picked up the call and slowed down his walk, Andrew and Tiffany going ahead into the hotel.

“Ryan, man—“ Patrick started after hearing his voice. “You gotta stop, he’s working.”

“How the hell do you—is he there? Look, if he doesn’t want to see me, I’m cool with it. This was supposed to be something casual, not this… is giving me anxiety.”

“You are giving him anxiety, too. Don’t be a bitch, he wanted you to have his number. Shane is busy, dude.”

“How do you know anyway?”

“Well, I’m fucking seeing him right now and he’s having a headache because the newbies aren’t as good as they think.”

“I—“ He felt his cheeks burn.

Once Helen told him he needed to chill a bit, his desperation and anxiety were only destructive to him and hurt his relationships without him even realizing. Ryan licked his lips, looking at the Hotel’s entrance and thinking quickly what to do.

Tomorrow, he was due to take a plane back home at 5PM. If he didn’t see Shane tonight, there was less of a possibility he’d see him tomorrow. The chance was right in front of him.

“I’m leaving tomorrow at 5PM.” He said to Patrick, the man scoffed on the other side of the line but Ryan maintained his firm tone. “I’m texting him that and I won’t bother him again unless he answers me. If he doesn’t, well… I get the message clear and loud.”

“Ry, don’t be like this…”

“No, listen—he ignored me for almost two years and only re-appeared in my life to mess it up every— what? six, ten months? Do you know what he told me the last time we talked? For fuck’s sake—“

“Ryan, Ryan—“

“I get what he went through wasn’t pretty. I was there, too! But I just—“

He was holding the door open for nothing, Ryan slowly let his hand fall to his side, already inside the lobby. People kept walking, passing him immersed in their own world. Chicago was beautiful, cold to his sun raised self, and it was empty for him.

“I just need ten minutes, Patrick.”

“You have five,” Shane answered stern.

* * *

 

It happened at the Bellaire House, Shane picked something up from that hell and he should had known something was wrong the moment he got an e-mail from the owner saying she had been able to finally sell the house.

Shane was acting as usual, poking fun at what he considered Ryan’s irrational fear of ghosts. They kept filming the season during March, and around that time, Ryan kissed Shane in the room with the beautiful view in Savannah.

They had been living together for four months but it didn’t escape him that it felt like years. When he was with Shane, it always felt that way—familiar and warm, and all around right. They fit together in a way he had never with anybody else, not even his family.

In that room in Savannah, Shane had smiled up at him while sitting at the border of the bed, Ryan between his legs, kissing him softly. He couldn’t think of anything else at the time, just how good it felt to kiss him, feel his beard, his smell.

His friend’s hands felt enormous on his waist, he held him firm with each kiss becoming more heated and soon, Shane was laying on the bed, Ryan on top of him, feeling his excitement over his with a big grin.

“Hey there, big guy…” He had said breathlessly that afternoon, as he did now on the phone, two years later.

“Hi,” he murmured.

That voice made him stop.

He hadn’t heard him since December 2018 and Ryan still remembered it the same he did the rest of him: fresh, always at the back of his mind, talking to him with his perpetual calm and smile. It sounded serious now, like when he used to listen to him and take in account his ideas and theories, thinking.

“I don’t have much time,” he said, voice going lower. “My break is ten minutes, man.”

“Shit—“ Ryan swallowed. “I just wanted—I’m… I’m here.”

“Uhm?”

“I’m here, in Chicago—I… came with Andrew, to see some things of the wedding, and I was— _we_ , we were thinking, maybe if you—“

“What are you doing for dinner?”

Ryan swallowed. In all the scenarios he had imagined for this moment, in none he was out of words and too nervous to ask Shane to see him. When was he ever nervous to talk to Shane? Many things had changed, he wondered if Shane looked the same as he did the last time—he wasn’t himself anymore.

“No plans,” he lied. Andrew would understand.

“Okay,” Shane said, then sighed. “There’s this projection of Suspiria I’m sure you’re gonna love, we can grab something to eat after.”

“Really?” Ryan murmured, his heart feeling small inside him, he couldn’t breathe anymore.

“I know you love that movie.”

“I do…” He swallowed. “At—what, what time? Where should I see you?”

“Where are you staying?”

All he said next was given in autopilot. Even when he was running to his shared room with Andrew, Ryan wasn’t thinking about anything else but the last time he had seen Shane, looking at him with tired eyes and five o’clock shadow that didn’t look pleasing like before.

Back then, Ryan hadn’t known what to do with him and the situation. He didn’t expect to find Shane in Helen’s apartment in New York after so long not seeing him. That had been December 2018. They had eaten in a cheap dinner and he had tried to amend things between them.

Every time he opened his mouth, Shane seemed to make himself smaller.

The man didn’t look, nor act a thing like his former self and suddenly, it finally occurred to him that the trauma of his experience ran deeper than he ever thought and he would never understand it, not the way he thought he did.

Having been there, seeing his body contort and his voice change, the black mass that left his body when it was over, that ran and bit him—that was his own experience, but Shane carried the scar of a bite he probably couldn’t explain unless he made up some story about some ferial animal and the woods. He carried the memories.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Andrew inquired as Ryan finished dressing hours later. He hadn’t eaten with Tiff and him, had stayed in the room thinking, just thinking. “What’s gonna happen if things don’t go the way you think?”

“I’ll call an Uber. Stop worrying. You sound like my mother.”

Andrew grimaced, crossing his arms over his chest, back against the door frame of the bathroom. Ryan took his teeth brush and put the toothpaste in place, swallowing before cleaning himself. Looking at Andrew through the mirror, the blonde blinked a couple of times as if waiting and Ryan sighed once more.

“Listen, Mrs. Bergara, if things don’t go well—that’s fine. It’s over. It’s going to finally be over.” He licked his bottom lip and looked down at his teeth brush. “That’s all I want.”

“Closure?” Andrew asked, even when it sounded nothing like.

“Closure.”

* * *

 

“You and I…” Ryan had said that afternoon in December. “You and I, we had _something_.”

“We had a lot,” Shane answered. He hadn’t been looking at him, but at his side, away where Ryan couldn’t read whatever expression he was suppressing. “We were friends for a very long time.”

That night, the _were_ didn’t past by him. Ryan opened his mouth to say something else but nothing seemed to fit whatever had happened. All he wanted was to clear things, he wanted to ask, _Do you hate me? Do you blame me for what happened? Did it mean something for you when we_ —

“You think—“

“Helen and I…”

Ryan stopped, he blinked a couple of times and Shane finally looked at him, the mention of Helen still ringing bells inside his head and he hated himself a little for that. The memory of Shane and Helen sitting together in the back of a cab the first night the three of them went out in 2014 suddenly fresh in his head.

“Helen and I have been talking a lot,” Shane finally said. “It doesn’t mean anything. She’s just helping me with a few things, and we just—hit it up. Matt is great, too. We—we have become friends.”

Ryan nodded, still lost in that afternoon when he was still an intern in BuzzFeed. He had smiled back then, as he listening and saw his then girlfriend and soon to be best friend singing together. A Fleetwood Mac song, he remembers. Seven Wonders? Maybe he just thought so because it was on in the dinner

Ryan swallowed back in that dinner with Shane in New York, many years later. He looked as Shane scratched his wrist red and he only wanted to put his hand over his, stop him from hurting himself.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry I reacted weird. I know I shouldn’t."

“Yeah.”

Months debated in the tip of his tongue in that moment. That December when they last saw each other, Shane had been so… not himself.

With clothes that made no sense together, layers and layers of unconformity that also reflected on his grown hair made a nest, greasy like it never was before, and five o’clock shadow that didn’t look fine like before thanks to his perpetual somber expression.

“Shane, are you okay?”

If the way Shane had looked at him at the moment had been any indication, Shane wanted to be honest with him but was tired of… he wasn’t sure. Ryan didn’t know. And that was the problem all along.

“How do you think I am, Ryan?” He asked, voice low and empty of any emotions. “A fucking demon parked in my head for four months and it fucking bit me when it was kicked out. My entire life changed and I wasn’t even aware of it because Mrs. Make-you-think-you-want-to-eat-your-partner thought it’ll be fun if she just—“

His hand landed loudly on the table, the few people around looked at them and Shane closed his eyes, free hand holding his head with his forehead on his palm. Ryan swallowed and slowly moved one of his hands to the center of the table, carefully coming over Shane’s. The man tensed.

“I’m sorry, Big Guy. It’s… I care about you a lot, and I—“

Shane made a _tsk_ sound with his tongue, then chuckled. His shoulders were shaking with laughter as he looked up at Ryan, his grin was terrifying but still him. Ryan knew then that this was a lost cause and he was going to Helen’s empty-handed that night.

“I can’t do this, Ryan.” Shane said once his laughter died down, free hand on his mouth. Ryan started to make soothing circles on his hand. “I—was so fucking stupid. Never listened, never paid attention. Of course this would happen.”

His fingers grasped Shane’s hand tightly.

“Shane, no. This was not on you!” Ryan murmured, trying to make this as private as possible while still being loud enough for Shane to look. “It was nobody’s fault. How were we—“ But there was nothing to say. They had discussed this before, with his mother.

That both knew where they were going and with what, that Ryan knew and told Shane possessions were a thing, it could happen to anyone, for what information is out there—it wasn’t like in the movies, and they were walking into dark realms with jokes and sarcasm each time.

Nothing ever happened until it did.

Emily, who talked to Shane so happy, who let him lose himself in Ryan while she made herself comfortable inside Shane’s head, happily destroying step by step everything she touched.

 _What if we do this_ and _say this_ , and _touch here_ and--

But Shane said nothing. He heard the demon in his head, felt it inside him, but explained it one way or another. Until it was too much and he had walked into the kitchen where Ryan was eating his cereal one morning saying, _“I’ve been hearing voices… A voice, actually. Of a woman.”_

Ryan had felt something run through his spine, cold and warm at the same time as Shane explained he was visiting a psychologist that same day. _“I just need a break”._

He hadn’t needed just a break.

Months later, when everything was said and done, and Shane was free of the demon and could move his shoulder and arm again, he left.

First Unsolved, then Ryan.

But maybe he never came back after the exorcism.

* * *

 

“Fuck.” Ryan held himself on his knees, trying to breathe in and out now.

Shane was late, he should had known this would happen.

“Oh, fuck me. Why—“

The elevator arrived with a _pin!_ sound and Ryan stood, walking quickly inside to get back to the lobby after going upstairs to change his jacket for his long black coat. It was cold outside and—he wanted to give Shane time to come, and time for Ryan to prepare himself some more.

He checked his phone once more, in his head the image of Shane taking his hand away from his in December, saying he was tired, going away from him without having said anything he wanted to back then.

Now, he looked outside the transparent crystal of the elevator, people walking to the bar and to the counter, him going down, down, down— A text came into his phone, Ryan opened to discover a message from Shane.

(19:18) _Walking through the door, sorry I’m late._

All Ryan could do in that moment was to look down, searching for the familiar height and the messy hair he knew well, hoping he won’t—look like—

“Well…”

Last time didn’t matter.

“Fuck _me_.”

The elevator doors opened and Ryan came out, walking unsure to were Shane stood. His phone vibrated with a call, Shane put his own phone on his ear and Ryan swallowed, walking faster over him.

His back was to Ryan, he seemed to be admiring the interior of the hotel as he waited for him to either appear or answer the phone, and the tips of his long hair touched his scarf in a way Ryan had only seen in pictures once, from when Shane was younger.

Was he taller? Ryan swallowed, he seemed bigger somehow.

Shane had started to walk away from him and holy shit—why, why every time he seemed to get farther away from him? He took his phone in front, fingers moving over the screen as his hand went through his longer locks and God, _God_ —

“Shane!”

He turned around, bangs on his forehead that he pulled back with his fingers, a few stray hairs still going on his face. There was something more. The light stubble, the fact that he smiled when he saw him and walked calm to him with both hands on the pockets of his black blazer.

“Ryan, you look great.”

 _Great_. Ryan closed his eyes, then opened them again with surprise.

“Me? Have you seen yourself lately?” He said, his voice sounded silly and fuck, fuck, Shane was laughing at that. “You—you look…” Ryan swallowed, and straightened his back. “You look _great_!”

“Easy there, happy tourist, you look like you’re gonna lose your mind.” He said as his hand landed on Ryan’s shoulder, he looked up to see Shane smiling at him softly. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Ryan wheezed, seeing Shane looking like _this_ after New York—it was enough. More than enough. “How are you?”

“Tired.” He sighed. “I can’t stand teenagers.”

Ryan laughed. “What...?”

“Come on, we are gonna be late.”

“I—“

Shane’s hand lingered on his arm, caressing slightly as it went down to his side. His touch was as gentle as he remembered and Ryan felt a knot in his throat as more memories of the few months they lived together popped on his head.

That time was long gone, though. Shane’s hair covered his ears a little, danced free under them and stuck on his scarf. Long gone.

“You must be cold,” Shane chuckled. “Come on, I know you have zero tolerance for just a little wind.”

“Oh, fuck you. You are still an asshole.”

“Always, baby.” Shane said.

They crossed the doors together and Ryan cursed inside himself at how damn cold it was now that it was night. He heard Shane wheezing behind him and Ryan crossed his arms over his chest.

“Here.”

Ryan looked back, Shane’s scarf was already on his neck and the man was finishing getting it in place.

“We don’t want you to get sick, do we?” He smiled again, and before he could ask about him, he added, “I have another one in the car. Let’s go.”

It was March of 2018 again and Ryan was cold as hell in Savannah. Shane had looked him up and down, smiled wide, and put his new flannel shirt on Ryan’s shoulders, rubbing his arms in an attempt to make him feel warmer.

He never gave him the shirt back, and Shane never asked.

Ryan followed Shane in silence today, glancing up to that hair and that beard, and the small silver chain he could see now that his scarf wasn’t on his neck. Was just this simple, to get back to polite and civil conversation just like this? What was different from New York?

“Stop looking at me like that, Bergara,” Shane warned, tone playful. “Yes, I have long hair. Big deal.”

“It looks good.”

A car deactivated its security system near them, only when Shane turned to look at him did Ryan noticed he had the kays of it in his hand. “I know."

* * *

 

Cascade Drive-In was packed with a lot of people with different ages. Group of friends and students, entire families, couples and solo viewers getting ready for the double feature of the night.

Ryan blinked a couple of times as Shane drove around, avoiding people and teenagers playing way too close to the driveway.

“This is a Drive-In,” Ryan murmured, not sure if he wanted Shane to hear him. The man laughed at his side.

“It’s a film festival, though,” he answered, maneuvering to park his car where a blonde girl had waved her hand excitedly.

Were they meeting other people? Ryan swallowed, they were supposed to talk, he didn’t expect to meet anyone that day with Shane, from all people.

“Film festival?” Ryan asked as Shane killed the engine and put down the visor to try and style his hair. The bangs kept falling on his face and his long fingers kept going through it, making Ryan stare like an idiot. “With Suspiria?”

“It’s, ah—“ Shane licked his lips quickly, putting his hair behind his ears and finally looking at Ryan at his side. “It’s a Final Girls cycle. A friend of mine’s idea. Tonight is the last night, it’s some bullshit called The Final Girls and to close, Suspiria.”

Ryan looked at him without words, only two things he wanted to do. He smiled, thinking how the first one was to tell him that he seemed to remember who Ryan is; but it would be stupid to do so.

Of course he did.

He has had Shane deep inside him, body and mind, as deep as he has been in him. They used to share the same language of old jokes nobody else understood, stares that meant so and so, stories nobody has ever hear of.

Like getting lost in Mexico City and kissing while drunk in New Orleans once, maybe twice. Sleeping in the same bed when there were two, Shane taking his hand in the Sallie House, the way he had looked at him in Alton Bridge, the intensity of his kiss in Point Pleasant.

They had all that between them; two years of overthinking and cryptid texts couldn’t delete who he was for Shane. And the man smiled at him, Ryan’s eyes followed the curve of his lips as his tongue licked them softly before speaking.

“The guys are here,” Shane said. “We can sit somewhere else if you want, but—“

Shane had plans tonight, Ryan realized as the second thing he wanted to do seemed his worst option at the moment. It seemed like the man that used to be his friend had already planned on coming here with his friends, Ryan remember all of them, from Patrick to Joe and his boyfriend Vinnie.

“Oh, I would love to say hi to them.”

“Sure.” Shane smiled, the silence that followed his words felt warm inside the car. He was looking at something on his face, and Ryan wondered if Shane was thinking of kissing him, too, or if he was just being the romantic idiot he has always been. “We can say hi, then grab something to eat and—and talk like you wanted.”

“Uh,” Ryan felt himself getting smaller, even if in theory he knew that was impossible, “It’s… it’s not—“

“It’s okay.” The man sighed. “Listen… I know there’s a lot we should talk about and a Drive-In is not the best option, but…”

“It’s okay—“

“I just thought,” he shook his head, not wanting Ryan to interrupt him. When he looked at his hands, his knuckles were white and Ryan finally shut up. “I don’t think you wanna watch the first movie, so we can skip that one after saying hello, eat something... uhmm…”

There was music outside. The blonde girl from before was jumping around Alison and Ryan could see Patrick and Joe walking towards them, with everyone else probably close behind. He didn’t know the song playing in the air, but he knew Shane when he was nervous. His stomach burned at the realization, and Ryan only nodded.

“Is that okay?”

For how different Shane looked, he was as thoughtful of his desires and commodity as always, and as nervous to see him after so long, after what he had said over text. Ryan’s determination became stronger at the sight and he nodded once again.

“Yeah, Big Guy.”

And just like that, the illusion of them talking as if time hasn’t gone by, broke.

“I—“

“Let’s just…” Shane said, opening his door and getting his hand through his hair again. “Let’s go.”

Shit. How could he ruin everything with just two simple words? Ryan swallowed opening his own door.

This was going to be a long night.

* * *

 

Shane’s friends were as weird as him, that had been Ryan’s first impression of the whole of them when he met them in Los Angeles so many years ago.

He remembers seeing them, trying to carry Shane around after so many months of not seeing each other. The way they all talked about the weather in Illinois and what they missed about their hometown, the kind of bullshit they were up to before—none of that had changed, except, now Ryan got to hear that in this cold and the smell of snow that was sure to come.

Patrick smiled at him from the start, not even mentioned his little number in the morning and part of the afternoon, and Ryan remembered how much of a good friend the man was as he hugged him back in greeting, his wife next.

They had a little girl now, just like Other Ryan and Nate had their own little boy, adopted just a few months prior; Ryan wanted to meet them soon. All these people, the adults he shared so much with, it seemed like if ten years had gone by, and yet—they could all talk and laugh together like if it had been just ten minutes.

But then, Shane.

Shane that didn’t look at him now when his eyes had held stars for him once and had left him standing with his group of friends as he walked around, greeting people Ryan didn’t know. More friends, another life he wasn’t part of, this new person Shane had become and Ryan was not allowed to reach.

“I don’t even know what he does for a living now…” He murmured to Joe, the man smiled slightly and looked at him as if he understood. “He hasn’t said anything, man. Nothing—nothing real, you know?”

“Well, but you are wearing his scarf,” he said back, Ryan looked down at his neck and chest, the red scarf looking so good with the black of his coat. He had forgotten he had it, like if it had always been part of him. “How did that happen?”

“Uhm…” If his cheeks were red, no one mentioned it. There were eyes on him now, everyone waiting for this bit of information as if it was the greatest thing to ever happen. “Just—he said it was cold outside the lobby and I wasn’t covered enough. He just gave it to me.”

Joe nodded, something in the mischief of his eyes told Ryan he hadn’t believed most of it or that he knew he was keeping to himself the real version. That Shane had taken off his scarf and put it on Ryan’s neck like… family, like someone taking care of a person he loves.

He shook his head, looking back at where Shane laughed with a tiny blonde girl who was hitting him harmlessly in the arm. He wondered what was that about.

“Carly,” Nate said to him, Ryan nodded even when he wasn’t sure for what. “She works with him, they kinda went out a few times, but…” He sighed. “Who knows at this point.”

Well, fuck. Why did that hurt? Ryan frowned and looked around, to the Drive-In he was in.

It was old and Shane had talked about it so much, he felt like if he had been there before. With its hundreds of people laughing and talking, the kids that run, the teens that get together in dark corners for some privacy, and the massive screen in the middle, so far from them as the music filled their ears while waiting.

Fuck, it was beautiful.

Shane’s friends hadn’t changed at all, Ryan realized as he kept talking to them while Shane ignored him like if they were back in high school and it was cold shoulder time after a small mistake. He wasn’t sure he was able to blame him, there were many boundaries that may have changed for Shane and Ryan just… had no idea.

He wondered if that simple nickname of before was so bad.

A part of him missed dearly being called short by Shane, hearing the soft fondness of the way he said ‘Little Guy’, in their most private moments by the end of their almost-together time.

He wondered if Shane didn’t miss that.

“How do you see him?” Other Ryan asked him, he blinked a couple of times, unsure of what to answer. “He’s the same, isn’t him?”

For some reason, Ryan only nodded. “I mean—it’s. Strange.”

“The long hair?”

“Not just that.” Ryan sighed. “Okay,” He swallowed, putting his whole attention to Other Ryan. “Can I tell you something?”

Other Ryan looked around, to where Nate, his boyfriend and Shane stood with their other friends and a couple Ryan didn’t know, and nodded at him once he was sure they were not listening. Odd, but in a way accurate—he didn’t want Shane hearing his bullshit doubts.

The man leaned on him as if to hear a secret, so Ryan leaned onto him, too and finally talked. “I called him Big Guy like I used to, and he got stiff and weird after that,” he said. Other Ryan listened and nodded.

“I don’t think it means what you think.” He said, there was a tiny smile in his lips. This man always had it in him, some calming form. “He misses you, Ryan. His life in LA, his old job. Shit hasn’t been easy for him, you know? You have no idea…”

“Well, I would if I hadn’t been shut out,” he said, in part because these people—all of them were Ryan’s friends, too. And all of them had left him aside when Shane asked them to in order to heal.

It sucked.

“Yeah.” Other Ryan visibly swallowed. “Listen, we weren’t fair to you. I know that.”

“Yeah, you weren’t!”

Patrick perked his head from the small circle at the front, Ryan knew what was coming but couldn’t stop himself. The man walked towards them and he sighed, Other Ryan kept talking without caring about their upcoming friend.  But his eyes fixated on Shane, Ryan kept following the man with his eyes as he listened to the rest of whatever his companion had to say.

“Nobody knew what to do,” he sighed. “Listen, I’m not gonna excuse shit. We all questioned Shane’s coping mechanism at least once, but it has worked—no one knows what to do in these situations.” He looked at him firm, it made Ryan put back his attention on the man. “Did you?”

No.

For how much he had researched all this and every cruel creature out there, every ghost and murder, he never thought, never really thought, that something like this would happen.

It had been like a fucking joke, an ironic piece of shit joke. That just when he was convinced that, since nothing had happened in two years, it wouldn’t happen, and then it fucking did. The icing had just been the fact that, hey—it’s not like in the movies! It’s worse. It fucks you up big time.

Ryan looked at Shane again, bottom lip between his teeth. It changes you. There’s no coming back from that.

“There’s something else…”

“Ry!” Patrick greeted again, Ryan smiled at him and noticed Other Ryan making a face. Whatever he wanted to say, it would have to wait.

As he was being dragged around, he noticed Shane losing himself in the back, walking alone and not talking to anybody and everyone let him do so. They settle away from Shane’s car, into Patrick’s pick-up truck and a small camp he figured the others had made before their arrival.

The movie started, his stomach groaned, and Shane finally looked at him as some girl was being ridiculously murdered in old fashion style. A parody of a movie. The Final Girls. He’s seen this before.

“Alright, dinner time.” Shane said, softly hitting his elbow with his arm. “Come on, I know you’re hungry.”

“How?” He frowned, standing and following him. He had seen this before, too.

“I just do.” He answered, then settle into silence again.

The Drive-In was old fashioned, too. It was packed with people everywhere but there was a familiar air to it, like if everyone in this city knew each other and came in here to enjoy the movies together. He could see many scenes playing in here.

Family reunions going fine, friends kissing for the first time, lovers enjoying a night together, friends joking around with big laughs.

It seemed like something he and Shane would do before, come together to a place like this.

“You are gonna love this popcorn,” Shane said, sounding more casual and calm than before. Maybe he had been overthinking all this time. “It’s one of my favorites.”

“Well, I do trust your taste in popcorn.”

Shane seemed pleased to hear that, looking back at him with a smile, hands going out his pockets and to his sides. Their knuckles touched more than once, the gentle caress of them reminded Ryan of when he first noticed he liked Shane that way.

They had been at work, the office full with yelling people at a sudden drag show nobody saw coming. They had been in the kitchen, watching the action unfold with big smiles and that amusement that becomes perpetual when you work for a company like BuzzFeed when Shane had taken his cup of coffee and finished preparing it for him.

It had been nothing strange, they used to do that a lot. But back in that moment, when Shane had given his cup back, Ryan’s fingers had touched Shane’s and something had changed. Or, he had noticed something, a Thing inside him that had always been there and he couldn’t quit reach and see.

Their fingers touched for a fraction of second and everything changed, his cheeks went pink and his eyes opened wide. Shane only smiled at him, going back to his own coffee and breakfast, as if nothing had happened, while Ryan’s heart couldn’t know rest, beating so fast it felt like dying.

So, oh shit. He had been—well.

(2:48 a.m.) _I loved you._

Ryan looked up at Shane, smiling while looking at him ordering dinner for them.

“Remember that time you almost died eating some bad hotdogs?” Shane smiled as Ryan spoke, not answering. “Because this sure looks like a repeat of that day.”

“Shut up, I’ve been eating these my whole life. My stomach loves them.”

Ryan smiled as this incredibly tall man made himself smaller as he remembered a childhood spent in this place. His eyes wandered over him once more, on his long hair and the softness of his face.

 _Therapy_ , he had said in the car when he asked what helped this change from that last December. And _exercise_. Ryan had to laugh, the only times he had seen Shane working out had been for videos, and he was always a disaster during them.

But looking at him now, seeming taller just because he was slightly bigger—well.

Shane laughed again, murmuring something about that day and the murder hotdogs, Ryan followed suit, remembering not only that but the many times they joked about it. The laughs died down slowly, it felt like coming back home and Ryan could hear that song Shane liked so much. Clear as day, the piano and the violin, the soft voice and the melancholy of it.

He had listened to it so many times after he left, had deleted it, hated it, gotten it back, heard it daily, left it aside again. And then back in his ears just a week ago.

Ryan had never known Chicago at night. It felt like that song.

“What do you wanna talk about?” Shane asked as they waited for their food and the silence had prolonged for too long, Ryan almost choked on his spit.

“Uhm.” Ryan moved, hands on his pockets. This was ridiculous. “I don’t know… how are you?”

Shane looked at him, something like amusement on his face. “I’m alright, thank you. How are you?”

 _In fucking hell_ , he wanted to say. Instead, he answered. “Good, good. I… did something.”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

Ryan looked up, not sure why he had brought that up, but now that they were here, he better at least be honest. “I left BuzzFeed.”

It costed Shane a second to get that in, his eyebrows went up, but he ultimately nodded, something akin to understanding on his face. “What do you plan on doing?”

“Well, I’m—I’m being weird and toying around with some friends, and Eugene.”

“Some friends and Eugene.” He chuckled. “How dare you, Eugene is a friend.”

Ryan smiled back, scratching his cheek with one finger out of nervousness. “Yeah, I mean—I’m just in, like, talks with him. I want—I want to do something with that producer career I always talked about.”

“You’re gonna make some spooky films?”

“A series.” He corrected, Shane looked at him again as if waiting to hear more. Ryan looked away, this was… kind of stupid. But he saw himself doing this with him, not alone. “It’s just an idea, a series like Folklore on HBO, but on a streaming platform. And… you know, it would be something scary. An acting thing, not a documentary.”

“You want to do stories based on folklore, or how…?”

“Yeah.” He sighed, feeling like an idiot for some reason. “I know it’s been done before, but—“

“I’m sure you’ll find a way to do it your own…” He smiled at him and Ryan couldn’t help but smile, too. He left the last words like hanging, like if something was lost to them. But Ryan only sighed, closing his eyes and enjoying the smell of hotdogs, popcorn and cinema. Then, like a prayer, “Little Guy.”

His eyes opened again, but Shane wasn’t looking at him. He wasn’t sure what it meant, but it had to mean _something_. It seemed like everything he did with Shane was a big mysterious _something_ , and he was here to solve the mystery and find the hidden paths of their relationship after tonight.

Their food came in, Shane handed him his hotdogs and a drink while carrying a tray with his and their popcorn, and God knows what else the man had bought.

For a second, Ryan was surprised once again with how much Shane could eat. It had happened as well years ago, when they had just met. The idea of how there’s things that doesn’t change felt like comfort; maybe Other Ryan was right.

“Come on.”

“Where are we going? Everyone is over there?”

“Yeah, I know.”

But he wanted somewhere else and Ryan was not here to deny Shane guide him in a place he doesn’t know, in a city that it’s not his.

He just followed Shane, thinking of Andrew and Tiffany watching TV together or by themselves, cloistered in their hotel rooms. He wondered if the man had already told Steven what Ryan was doing tonight, following Shane through packed corridors with electronic music that sounded out of some movie with Ryan Gosling in neon lights.

“This way.” Shane headed out, to where more cars were left without anybody in them, to where you take your date to make out.

It was obvious that was not in Shane’s mind, but it seemed this was who Ryan was tonight and God, he needed to chill for five damn seconds before he screwed anything beyond repair.

Shane took them to a quiet place, up from the rest of the parking lot where they could still see the screen and hear the movie perfectly, just away from the cars and their friends. Ryan could see them from their position, the bunch of gathered people laughing as the movie displayed its goofiness and bloodbath in front of them.

They sat down on the grass, not saying anything and it figured to Ryan like high school or college, when he would ditch class to spend time with some guy that would later break his heart. Shit, he has always had a terrible luck with dudes. He would say taste, but Shane wasn’t one of those by far.

“Can I ask you something?”

Shane took his time to answer, probably thinking if it would be a good idea to risk it, but he nodded at the end. “Shoot.”

“Why the long hair?” Ryan said, getting a big bite of one of the hotdogs.

The man at his side chuckled, taking his time to swallow his food and taking a sip of his drink before answering. “It’s for a part.”

“What?”

“How’s Micki?” Shane asked, the change of subject didn’t pass from Ryan but he allowed it.

Ryan remembered Micki’s love for Shane. The way she would run to him and prefer to climb him even in the presence of his mother in the room. His folks used to joke Micki preferred Shane over all of them, and his little cousin once said Micki was in love with Shane.

He always thought he and Micki were alike.

They were both lazy, would go right into the face of danger with big barks while still being scared almost all the time. He wondered if they were that alike, that she would feel that magnetizing thing coming off Shane, calling her home to him and his arms, his chest, his smile and the way he smelled.

Ryan looked at Shane now and the man smiled. “She’s okay, she’s…” Ryan smiled, remembering. “She’s pregnant.”

“She’s pregnant?! My baby!” Shane’s voice went up, eyes wide open and Ryan laughed at the sight. “How could you let that happen? My poor girl!”

“It was time! Come on, she’ll be great momma,” he said. In reality, both knew he had nothing to say about the matter. It was his parents’ decision. “I’ll send you pics.”

It wasn’t a big surprise, the silence that followed that, but Ryan took it. He kept eating, listening to the movie and looking at the reflection of the light of it in Shane’s face. His longer locks escaped their hold behind his ear, making a veil over his eyes.

He wanted to reach out and put them back together, touch that hair and that face, and ask what is going on now. Where do they stand? Did he agree to see him just to act like if they could get back some of the lost friendship, or the whole of the lost time?

But he said nothing, just stayed where he was and ate.

“I’m an actor,” Shane said suddenly, the kids in the movie already trapped in the protagonist’s mom 80s slasher movie, Nina Dobrev being mean and annoying on screen as Taissa Farmiga tried to get her shit together to make things work. He felt that. “That’s what I do now, I’m a theater actor. And a director, but that’s more… new, I guess. Obviously, I do that better than acting.”

“You’re acting?” Ryan blinked a couple of times, remembering Shane in some of BuzzFeed’s projects that involved actual acting. He always thought he was good. Hell, the dude was great at hiding his damn emotions in real life—he could do anything. “That’s awesome, dude. What are you doing now?”

Shane wasn’t looking at him, he liked his lips and sighed. “We are working in a production of Faustus. And today I committed the error of saying yes to give a class to the group of theater kids. I hate them all.”

Ryan snorted a laugh, Shane laughed with him like if time and shit hasn’t happened between them and in their lives. Like if they were back in LA, on a movie night, cramped together in the couch they once shared.

“How’d that happen?” Ryan said, smiling softly. This could be normal, it _was_ normal.

“Well…” Shane sighed and, for the first time, looked at Ryan. “It started as a distraction while I was… in therapy. It helped me get back in the world or something like that. It was fun for me, you know—I liked that before, so it was a good thing to get back to something that allowed me to be someone who doesn’t have…”

His left hand landed on his right shoulder. Ryan blinked again, his mind going to that day in their old apartment. The last part of the exorcism, the sound that came out Shane’s mouth, the black mist that came out it, that became something else that bit his shoulder.

**_YOU’LL NEVER BE FREE AGAIN_ **

He closed his eyes, wishing again and again he could just forget that.

If it felt like this to him ** _._**

**_YOU BELONG TO ME_ **

he could only imagine how it felt to Shane.

“Any of these.” He finished. Ryan looked back, not sure when he had looked away in the first place. “Turned out I wasn’t so bad, so I stayed.”

Ryan nodded, trying a smile again. The demon’s words still so fresh in his head.

When he first saw him earlier, Ryan thought Shane had stood as tall as always. And while he did, he finally accepted that there were two years behind all that. Two years where he had worked his ass off to crawl back to himself from the pit he had been put in after all that happened.

There was something in him now, something else that wasn’t before. Ryan accepted it, that whatever that shadow was, was now part of Shane and this was the man he had—he closed his eyes, thought of their texts last summer.

(2:48) _I loved you._

A “not anymore.”

“Ryan?” Shane murmured, he looked at him and waited.

Their food was forgotten between them, they hadn’t even touched the popcorn. Shane moved the tray with it and his drink; Ryan moved his, putting it beside him. Whatever Shane wanted to do, well, it couldn’t be bad if it allowed them to be closer.

The man moved, sitting at Ryan’s side and Ryan moved with him until there was little space between them. Shane smiled at him and, and just put his attention back to the movie, taking the popcorn with him and putting it between their knees, stretching his legs in front.

“Come on, I want you to taste these.”

“Uhm,” Ryan did the same, stretched his legs out and took a fist of popcorn, shoving it all into his mouth. Whatever distraction was goo—this was fucking good. “Jesus. Okay,” He said, mouth full of his favorite food and Shane was smiling at him. “Okay, this is very good. Holy shit.”

“I told you!” He announced, his voice sounding happy. “I’ve been coming in here since I was a kid, this is what home tastes like.”

Ryan smiled again, taking another fist of food. “Yeah, it does.”

* * *

 

The weather in Chicago was something Ryan didn’t like that much, but if it gave him the chance to see Shane smile like this, then it was worth it and he could get used to it for the rest of his life. Or maybe just for this moment, for the time Shane wanted to give him so they can close that chapter of their lives that bleed out and never healed.

Sitting beside him, Bette Davis Eyes playing in the movie as the heroine’s mother sacrificed herself for her, it felt familiar. Not easy or like before, but familiar. There was still that sting in his chest, the desire for everything to end or to start again, of doing—whatever Shane wanted at the same time he wanted to do whatever he wanted.

Ryan couldn’t decide in that moment, what would be better.

He just sighed, watched the movie come to an end, cold against his face but warmth on his neck, with the smell of Shane on the softest cloth he has ever had on his body. A strange and welcome sensation.

“I promised myself I was never going back to Los Angeles,” Shane commented, Ryan looked at him, then back at the screen.

“Makes sense.”

Shane nodded.

“I’m sorry about New York.” Shane said in a murmur after a long pause. “About… how I was, how I talked to you and… you know. Everything.”

Ryan blinked, swallowed hard and licked his lips. “It’s okay, I think… I don’t know. I’ve had time to think about everything and I feel like… I’ve been just thinking of me.” He said, hoping this time he would get it right. “I’ve been thinking of how much it hurt me that you left, and—you went through…” He looked at Shane, the man was actually looking at him without darting his eyes away. It was almost intimidating. “So much. And it’s something I’m not going to understand the way only you can, or someone like—Father Thomas—“

Shane chuckled. It sounded ugly. He looked away.

“Gary.” Shane sighed, his eyes went down, his hand on his lap. He moved his fingers, thumping the first and so on, moving them into his palm, then back to straight. “I don’t need you, or anyone, to understand it.”

Ryan nodded, hoping there was more to it because he wanted to get what Shane was saying, what Shane needed.

“You are right; you are never gonna understand or know what this is. And that’s fine by me, I don’t wish it on anyone.” He said, sighing before speaking again after swallowing. “You don’t have to handle me with kid gloves, either. So it happened, but it’s gone.”

“Shane, it’s just—“

“You feel guilty.” Shane sighed. “Ryan, that’s—nothing you have done would have changed anything, okay? I would have never listened to you, it didn’t exist for me until that moment.”

“Shane, it’s not your fault either.”

Shane laughed again, he closed his fist and for a second, the lights flickered in the entire place. Both looked at the screen and the people reacting funny at it, then the laughs. Shane shook his head, rolled his eyes. The place was old and something was coming.

“It’s going to snow.” Shane said when he realized Ryan was looking up at the sky. “We’ll be gone before that, though. We gotta watch Suspiria first.”

“Suspiria.” Ryan smiled. “Was it… that was the first movie we saw together, right?”

“Yeah.” Shane smiled back. “Yeah, it was.”

There was silence again, just for a few moments it seemed like this was it. Awkwardness between them and nothing else. But, thank God, Shane talked again.

“I’m sorry about it, too.” Shane said, he seemed distracted, again looking at his hand and now tracing patterns on it with his fingers from the other hand. “About… leaving just like that, trying to cut you out. I thought it was what I wanted or needed, but it was just me being stupid.”

“It’s okay…” Ryan murmured. “It’s just—“

“You hurt me,” they said at the same time.

It never occurred to him. How had that happened? Ryan looked at Shane, then man was looking back as surprised as he felt, eyes searching for something in his face. Whatever he was looking for, Ryan couldn’t tell if he had found it when he looked away, but Shane licked his lips, and went back to watch the screen.

There was nothing in it yet, The Final Girls had finished minutes ago and there was music all around them. Their friends, Shane’s friends, were sitting together still and Ryan saw Patrick stand with his wife, walking with a few others away, probably to the store.

In another time, this kind of music would had made him yawn or get spooked in the dark, neon lights and ghostly voices could do so much for ambient and he was hopping the people in charge of the music were putting these tracks on purpose to prepare for the upcoming film

_Where did you go?_

He blinked, he wanted to know that, too.

 _I wanna know, oh, oh-eh-oh. Where did you go?_

Like in the movies playing on his head every time he thought of talking to Shane and fixing things between them, he felt his touch. It had hovered on him earlier at the hotel, graced him softly while walking to the store, and now firm. Tender, real and warm.

Shane’s hand moved from his shoulder to his hand, ever so slowly, and Ryan’s body filled with goosebumps until Shane’s fingers touched his and Ryan swallowed, lacing them together.

He looked up, Shane was smiling at him and Ryan felt something leave his body, a weight being lifted from his back.

_Where did you go? I need to know…_

Once again, he wanted to kiss him so bad, Ryan was surprised by the raw feeling of it.

It had been two years since what happened and it felt like, like if his feelings hadn’t left and he was just waiting to have this moment with the man—he wondered how much of it was real, how much was just leftover, or if it was all of it that has never stopped loving Shane.

His eyes opened. The movie started, he could hear that intro and recognize it anywhere.

“Fuck, I love this stupid movie,” Shane murmured, taking some popcorn with his free hand.

Ryan said nothing, he couldn’t speak at the moment for it would sound high pitched and stupid, would give up the revelation he just had.

Against all oddities and how time had gone by, how shit had gone for both of them—he was still in love with Shane.

* * *

 

(2:48) _I loved you_  

(3:29) I don’t know what to say

 

(3:31) _I just wanted you to know, It’s all_

_Nothing important_

(3:39) _It doesn’t matter anymore_  

(4:01) Shane? 

 

(4:10) _Uhm_

_Don’t call, stop calling_

_I’m drunk_  

(4:11) I think I love you too 

 

(4:12) _You think?_

_Fuck you_

(4:16) _How do you THINK that?_

 

(4:16) Shane, dude 

(4:19) Look It was the first thing I thought when I saw your text 

I thought 

(4:21) I love you too 

 

(4: 25) _Ryan._

 _It’s not like that_

_Like I said, it doesn’t matter anymore_

(10:17) _OH FUCK, DUDE_

_I’M SO SORRY_

(10:19) _Fuck, I’m sorry!!! I was drunk, sorry._  

(10:28) Are you kidding? You’re saying all that was booze talking? 

For real? 

(11:54) _Sorry, man. I’m not even sure why I did that. I’m so sorry._

 

(11:54) No 

fuck you 

(11:55) You don’t talk to me for like 

A year or something 

(12:02) And then out of nowhere text me you love me and don’t answer my calls 

 

(12:23) _Dude, I was drunk. I’m so sorry!!!_

 

(12:27) Answer the fucking call, man!! 

 

(Last message sent on 01/19/19)

 

(00:28) Yo, Shane I’m drunk too 

 

(00:43) And you know what? You are fucking right 

I don’t love you either!!! 

(00:45) Go fuck yourself, sir!!!!!! 

 

(6:33) _Okay._

 

(12:12) What? THAT YOU ANSWER? 

Are you kidding me right now? 

(12:15) Fuck you 

 

(12:16) _Take care of yourself, Ryan._  

(13;28) Shane 

 

(3:21) Please answer me 

 

(1:21) Shane? 

* * *

 

For months, Ryan thought of his last text conversation with Shane.

The man had changed his phone number and Ryan had never deleted the messages. There was no picture on his profile anymore, but Ryan kept reading and re-reading as if he had wanted to learn, word by word, its content.

It was torture.

Shane was acting as if he had never told Ryan that he loved him, and it wasn’t until now that Ryan accepted the use of past tense had hurt him more than he cares to admit. And he wanted to ask, he wanted to tell Shane how much it had hurt, how cruel he was by sending that when he didn’t want anything with Ryan anymore.

Because, Shane had been traumatized but torturing the people involved was not the answer—it couldn’t be the answer, he was… he was an asshole.

“You saw the remake?” Shane asked, their hands were still put together.

“Yeah,” Ryan answered, taking the popcorn from him as a girl ran in the woods, screaming bloody murder. “I actually—I liked it.”

Shane smiled, that stupid smirk of his, just as Ryan remembered it. “I knew you would.”

He kept making those announcements, these words that sounded like pride on his tongue. Did knowing Ryan this well truly meant so much to him? Ryan couldn’t understand anymore.

The lights went red and pink, those gorgeous colors from a movie he enjoyed so much in this man’s presence. Ryan watched, strange colored blood on the screen, colors casting art on their faces and other neon memories coming like a wave.

Like dancing with Shane in New Orleans, how drunk he had been that night, Devon’s laugh.

The blue on his face in Salem as they waited outside the hotel for the others, how much he had wanted to kiss him back then with Mark’s and Matt’s tired sighs in the background.

And the red of the church, the red cross—the black eyes, female voice, _You will never be free_ —

He left Shane’s hand.

“Ryan?” Shane called as he stood. “Hey—“

“I need some air.”

“But—“

He stood, not listening anymore.

Part of him knew he was going to have flashbacks to all that crap while being around Shane, but shit—it had been a while since it truly affected him. Ryan walked away, the sound of the characters’ voices tinny and soft, intense colors his only light.

He breathed in deep, breathed out heavy.

Leaning his back on a pillar, Ryan felt the heaviness ground his body as if the weight of this entire day had finally caught up with him.

It had been so long; how could he still feel like this?

He swallowed, ballet music filling his ears followed by steps. Ryan knew what was coming, so he closed his eyes and looked down. The steps stopped in front of him, when he opened his eyes he saw black shoes.

Fuck, Shane’s feet were ridiculously big.

“What’s wrong?” He heard.

Ryan took a deep breath and looked up. “Nothing.” He answered, Shane’s face let him know he wasn’t convinced at all. “I was just remembering shit, it’s all.”

“Oh, I know about that,” he said, sounding somehow sympathetic. “What was it?”

“Shane—“

“Listen, you can’t live wanting to protect me from what happened because it already did.”

Ryan looked at him, at his face, the lines on his forehead and the fact that he was thirty-four now and he hadn’t been part of that celebration. He blinked—how to explain it wasn’t the demon but his own ghosts that had put him in a mood? His texts?

“Ryan,” Shane kept going when there was no answer, “whatever happened before—well, It changed me. Us. But I’m still me, and when you or anyone else, treat me any different—that’s when it really hurts.” He explained. “I—I have to, I need things to be as normal as possible, because—“

There was something else. Ryan frowned, noticing it—there was something else he wasn’t aware of.

Goblin’s music filled his ears, pink light on Shane’s face.

“Why did you sent me those texts?”

His face transformed into something different and sad, pained and surprised. But Ryan maintained his expression as neutral as he could muster, even if they were tense—he needed to know. He wanted to hear it from Shane, this explanation he’s been waiting for so long.

“I was drunk.” Shane answered way too late, as if remembering the excuse.

Ryan shook his head. “I know you weren’t, you text like a kid when you are drunk and you send pictures.”

The man closed his mouth, frown back on, that seriousness of before. He must know how imposing he was when he got serious, looked angry. He must know it had no effect on Ryan. At least not the desired one.

“I thought you should know.”

“And hurt me in the process, right?” He said, not sure where all this bravery was coming from. “Because having you gone wasn’t enough.”

“Ryan—“

“You think it was easy for me to move on?” Ryan asked, maybe a little bit louder than he wanted to sound. “You think that what happened between us didn’t mean anything to me?”

Shane didn’t answer. He looked like about to get a big headache. “And then, you just—mocked me with that.”

“I didn’t do it to mock you.” Shane explained with closed eyes, something made a loud bang noise behind them and both jumped, looking back but nothing was there. “Ryan, look at me.”

As he did so, Ryan heard the movie and remembered two big deal moments with it: looking at Shane’s profile while wearing that fascinated expression he had when appreciated a movie for the first time, and seeing him in the back of the room during the Halloween attraction BuzzFeed had made for Unsolved in New York.

His embarrassed smile as someone complimented him and the show, the way he was holding his drink, how tall he looked. The nice stubble, the nice shirt, the nice hair. And then, just like right now, Shane looking at him like if he had saved him from something invisible, something only Shane could sense and see.

Tonight, Shane didn’t have to walk to him. But he said the same he did back then, before they were happy together—“I’m sorry.”

For most, that wouldn’t be enough. Ryan knew more was coming, and he was not going to tell this to Shane now, but—that was enough for him.

“You are right, I wasn’t drunk,” Shane said. “I was sad.” He sighed, Ryan’s back went against the pillar once more, and he listened. “I was…” He smiled looking up away from Ryan, there wasn’t anything good in that smile. “I was so fucking depressed, so scared—“

“What…”

“And I thought—“ He finally looked back, Ryan frowned at the way his eyes had gone watery. “Wouldn’t it be so nice if I just disappeared?”

The frown went deeper. “Shane—”

“So,” Shane kept going, one long finger silencing Ryan with his touch over his lips. “So, I decided to message people I care about, people I thought… should know stuff.”

He swallowed visibly, his voice had gone lower and softer. Ryan’s eyes had started to water, his heart blocking his throat.

“I couldn’t do it.”

His finger went away, hand falling to his side, eyes looking everywhere but at Ryan. Shane swallowed visibly, the colors giving him a strange shade of sadness Ryan didn’t want to see in him every again.

“I was so ashamed when I woke up the next morning, that’s why—I pretended it didn’t happen, that It was just something silly while out of my mind. Drunk. Whatever was better than to admit that defeat.”

That wasn’t any silly, Ryan wanted to say. But instead, they just stared at each other for long seconds, maybe even a minute, until Ryan’s hand landed on Shane’s coat.

His scarf around Ryan’s neck felt tender, a familiar smell and touch, and Ryan had missed all of it. But he had missed this the most, had missed pulling Shane down with the front of his coat. He had always been stronger than Shane, it was easy to handle him to his please, so now—

Ryan pulled him down to his lips, and Shane’s mouth responded in kind.

They kissed deep and slow, wanting to drink from the other the happiness they had left behind but not forgotten. There was no rush or desperation into it, just something sweet, similar but older to what they had shared years ago.

Kissing Shane felt like the end of Ryan’s solitude, newer times to come. Even if uncertain, he welcomed Shane’s tongue and the sensation of his nose wrinkling against his cheek.

Shane’s hands were on his hips, pinning him against the pillar, then crushing him between it and his body, hands pushing him to him like fearing he’ll vanish and leave him forever. There was a part of him fearing that, too—he wanted to stop and assure him it wouldn’t happen, but if they stopped this now, maybe there wouldn’t be any other day.

Chances are this is just a one-night thing, the last one, real closure. Ryan wanted to drag it as long as he could, maybe he could steal tonight for them.

“What—“ Shane’s voice sounded raw, Ryan smiled while they breathed the same air, way too close to not kiss again. “What was that for?”

He chuckled now, pecking Shane’s lips two and three more times before answering. “You have changed,” he murmured. “But you are still such an idiot, huh? You need everything explained with drawings, don’t you?”

Shane laughed, slowly getting away from him to look at Ryan’s face. He wasn’t smiling, but wasn’t rejecting him either. Ryan smiled at him, probably a sad thing—his fingers touched his stubble and he tried to put away the tears gathering on his eyes.

Just the thought of Shane thinking things would be better if he wasn’t around—he didn’t want to imagine that. It didn’t excuse how much it had hurt to read that, the way Shane dismissed it, but Ryan could understand, may never know how it was and how he felt every day since what happened, but he could _understand_.

“Ry…”

“I would hate it if you—“ He couldn’t say it, not when Shane was looking at him like that.

Like how much time had passed, like how much had happened, like how much they grew together and learned at each other’s side, and now they… just weren’t it. They weren’t what they used to be together, and they weren’t what they used to mean to each other.

Shane meant a missed opportunity, the tragedy of things that happen all the time and we can’t control, he meant it all and now he meant—Ryan wanted him in his life, he said as much to him and the man looked at him, down this time, and went back to serious.

It was never gonna work, but he kept it.

“And what would that be like, Ryan?” he said, the movie still going in the back. “You live in LA, and I’m not—“ He sighed, walking away from Ryan. The man blinked, knowing he was frowning, not sure what was Shane talking about. “I’m not going back to LA, like—ever. It’s not gonna happen.”

“Yeah.” Ryan answered, Shane was giving him his back. “I know that, what—“

“I live here; my life is here.” He turned, Ryan finally realizing—Shane had thought, “I think we both know we suck at long distance, so I don’t see that happening.”

Shane had thought Ryan was confessing, searching for something else between them. And he wasn’t—God, he wasn’t saying no, just showing the problems something like that may encounter.

“I wasn’t—“ He said at the same time Shane was saying, “But if you have an idea—“

They stood there, staring at each other, Suspiria in the back. The pink and red lights that came from where they had been sitting, watching the movie, reminded Ryan of scenes to film he had thought of, inspired by the smallest things.

He may film this one day, make it Oscar-worthy with how ridiculous and dramatic this whole situation had turned out to be. And the second Shane’s face dropped, recognition hitting his expression, Ryan realized he may not need to fictionalize this at all.

“I’m sorry,” Shane said again, it was the most he had ever said those words directed at Ryan after the whole Possessed By A Demon thing. It tasted really bad on Ryan’s tongue. “But…”

“Shane, no—“

“Why did you kiss me, then?”

Ryan sighed now, walking towards his friend and carefully putting one hand on Shane’s abdomen and the other on his chest, feeling something under his shirt, probably the chain he was wearing. He swallowed before finally talking.

“I didn’t mean what I said as in— _let’s date_ ,” he said, Shane opened his mouth and Ryan’s fingers brushed his lips to silence him. “Just a second, please, let me explain—it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t… want to… I mean, I don’t know. This is happening so fast, I’m—“

Both had been acting like if they had put a pause to whatever there was between them two years ago and nothing of what kept them apart had happened, a big mistake. It was time for both, Ryan suspected, to finally accept that: No. Time had gone by, things had changed, they had changed. Maybe just a little, or maybe a bunch.

“It wouldn’t really work, would it?” It wasn’t a question, but Ryan answered with a nod, the saddest gesture he has ever made. “We should…” Shane sighed. “Get back.”

Ryan nodded again, walking with him back to where they had been watching their movie.

Yeah, they should get back. Back to when they could be mean to each other and not meant it, back to where they chased each other in the dark and dust, laughing and yelling like children whose imagination drew a fantastic adventure.

Back where they once belonged.

* * *

 

“That’s Pulaski.” Shane signaled as they passed a green light.

The streets around the big avenues and principal paths were mostly empty. Late at night, the city felt as alive as any other big one, but out here—houses closed their doors relatively early, turned off the lights and slept on Thursday nights. Weekday, Ryan had forgotten it wasn’t weekend, they were all working.

Ryan nodded, then followed Shane’s fingers back to the wheel as his friend drove them back to Ryan’s hotel. Midnight smelled strange, to snow he wasn’t used to and Shane’s cologne; it would had made him calm in another time. Today, it only made him sadder.

“It’s not…” Ryan swallowed. “It’s nothing.”

Shane chuckled at his side. “I think that’s the point.”

He had imagined Pulaski as something else. Some beautiful street with magic in it, a light show at night, happy people, romance, a melancholy for a loved place that wasn’t there.

The song was too beautiful for this simple road.

“Because…” Shane said, managing to gesticulate with both his hands while still driving calmly. “Because he misses his home, you know?” He looked for a second at Ryan, their eyes met for the first time since the kiss, then went back to the road. “He’s been away from Chicago for so long, he wants to see the city again, even the worst places of it.”

Another red light caught them. Silence.

“Some say Pulaski is dangerous, especially at night.” As he filled in the silence, Ryan looked at him. “It’s dangerous, he doesn’t know what’s gonna happen if he stands there and takes a picture to send a postcard to someone he loves—but he misses it so much, he…”

“He’ll do anything to get back there.” Ryan finished after Shane sighed.

The lights went green again. They were the only ones at the light, so no one complained when Shane looked only at Ryan for the longest time. Or maybe it wasn’t that long, the light was still green when he crossed it.

“Yes.” He answered.

In the song, Andrew Bird exposed the many times he tried to rewrite his story, tell a new one, and never got there until he finally went back home. He knew the city wasn’t the romantic idea he had of it because of a childhood that will never get back, the dreams he had as a boy and as young man—but It was still _home_.

_We’re starting over._

“Here we are.” Shane sighed, looking up at the hotel Ryan was staying in with Tiffany and Andrew. “Say hi to Ilnyckyj for me, would you?”

Ryan nodded, but didn’t move further to leave the car.

“Ryan—”

“Shane, listen—“

They truly needed to stop talking at the same time. They laughed together about it, staring at each other when the laughs went down and there was just a tiny smile in each familiar face. An agreement, too.

Ryan didn’t need to voice what was truly going around his head and when Shane blinked, then looked at the road again, his heart started to beat faster.

“I have a dog.” Shane told him, looking back to confirm no car was coming. He moved from the front, driving away from the hotel and Ryan’s heart beat faster. “Her name is Daisy.”

“Daisy?” Ryan smiled, remembering how Shane had never had a big pet before. This was interesting. “What breed is she?”

“She’s a schnauzer! You know, small and feisty.” He smirked at him. “Like you.”

“What does that mean, Madej?” He frowned, not really meaning it. “Those look like old white men that yell at you on the 4th of July, though.”

Shane gasped, stopping the car in the middle of the street. “How fucking dare you say that about my daughter? Get out!”

“I didn’t—“ Ryan laughed, if Shane wasn’t smirking, he would get out the car after how loud that sounded. “Just saying, those big mustaches and beards…”

“And you keep going!” Shane’s big hand went to Ryan’s head, making a mess of his hair. “You still have no filter, Bergara!”

“Alright, alright, they look like Freud!”

Another gasp. “HOW DARE YOU?”

They could keep like this all night, cars passing them by, some throwing their insults at them, and them just laughing like if nothing else mattered in that moment.

But Shane wasn’t that man anymore.

He kept his banter, liked strange shit, was weird as fuck—but he was now the man that didn’t lose a moment, that didn’t let any second pass him by. The same that had pulled him in by the neck of his hoodie, kissed him hard and so freakin’ good in the middle of God-knows-which street in Chicago.

All this made Ryan wonder if Shane had yearned for him as much as he did in the moments of silences, in the nights of orange lights and mosquitos in his ears.

Whatever was to happen in wherever they were going now, Ryan welcomed it like he was welcoming Shane’s lips after taking some air, some dude honking his car’s horn at them.

Shane smiled at him, touched his lips with his thumb before kissing him again to then keep driving.

* * *

 

Ryan wanted to kiss Shane forever, for this feeling to last for the rest of his days. He’ll take these few minutes, though. The hours to come, the rest of tonight—kissing Shane now, desperate as they were, that he couldn’t even wait for the elevator to close, he wanted to enjoy this moment.

They kissed without teasing, open mouths and teeth against teeth, tongues freely exploring each other’s mouth, tiny sighs and moans leaving them until the doors opened again.

Shane was breathing heavy, eyes closed when he got away from Ryan. Looking out the elevator, Ryan took the opportunity to look how nice this place actually was, remembering what Shane had told him about it while they drove here.

The man took his hand, walking fast through the hallway without a word but Ryan already knew where they were going, who lived in front.

But he followed Shane anyway, remembering him explaining how Daisy was being babysat by his lovely neighbors, a couple of women he expressed he was very fond of. It made Ryan smile.

“They’re getting married later this year,” he had commented while driving. “When it became legal…you’d assume they would have gotten married right away. But,” he looked at Ryan, smiling, “neither of them knew how to propose to the other or if the other would be okay with the idea now that they were older.”

“Oh boy.” Ryan had smiled back; Shane’s smile was too sweet to not drink of it.

“Flash-forward to last year, finally, they talked about it and it turned out both had been dancing around it without the other knowing.”

It sounded familiar. Shane’s silence and the way he was looking at Ryan told him he thought the same. Ryan nodded.

“But they are finally there.”

“That’s nice,” he answered, sighing. “I want to be there, too. One day.”

“One day,” Shane echoed, parking and then—

And now they were here, in his dark apartment after an intense make-out session in the elevator.

For real. This place was incredible. It smelled and looked clean, well-lit as they walked past doors until they stopped at 6D, 7D in front of them. That was Gloria and Tessa’s door, Ryan noted to himself, and now here—

The lights went on.

Fuck off.

By all means, Ryan knew Shane liked to live well. His apartment, that had become theirs back in LA, had been amazing, and Ryan wasn’t sure how they got to maintain it, let alone how Shane did it when he was by his own.

But this was another level.

This was too nice for Ryan to walk in just like that.

 “Woah!” Ryan blinked, looking around while taking off his coat. “How the hell do you pay for this shit?”

Shane laughed behind him, getting out his shoes and following Ryan slowly. “I don’t.”

He turned around after leaving his coat on the smaller couch, frowning. “What do you mean?”

“Well…” Shane looked embarrassed, suddenly walking away, to what Ryan guessed was the kitchen. “Let’s say, getting possessed by a demon gets in the head of your family and then, your dirty rich politician aunt lets you _borrow_ her apartment in the city she never visits.”

Made sense. Ryan nodded, happy at least some shit was easier for Shane now. This place was damn beautiful, great in space, so well put together—very Shane. With toys around, pictures, his usual posters, the big and ridiculous collection of vinyl he truly listened to. The enormous TV with his videogames, his console, the many memories of playing with him before.

“You want something?” Shane asked, Ryan felt him behind him closing the door, but the man was still in the kitchen.

Ryan frowned, Shane scoffed away from him.

“It’s windy, Ryan.” He looked baffled, like if this was really surprising to him. “It was already closed.”

“It wasn’t—“

“Ryan.”

Right. Ryan shook his head.

“I’m fine, thank you.” He answered, looking around to distract himself and not think about how he almost brought the supernatural up. Shane obviously didn’t wanna talk about it.

_There’s something else._

He walked to Shane’s kitchen, looking around and finding the place as incredible as he thought it at first, but—lonely. Maybe with Daisy around would be different.

Shane emerged with glasses of what smelled like whiskey and Jesus, they were always a pair of old dudes talking of movies older than them and complaining about the weather, weren’t they?

He smiled at him and accepted the glass, desperate to continue whatever they were doing in the car and the elevator, just—

“How did you got Daisy?” Ryan asked instead, the pressure in his pants not so uncomfortable yet. He saw as Shane walked back to the living room with his drink in hand.

“Patrick and Alison thought it would be great if I had some company, so they got me a puppy!” He answered, sitting in the couch and distractedly palming the free space at his side.

In another time, it would had meant something else, and Ryan would be screaming inside at it. Maybe he was now, it was—it was almost an instinct. He smiled, walking towards Shane and sitting, sipping his drink.

“I was… not in the mood for pets when they gave her to me, but after around three hours, if they had taken her away from me, I would have jumped out that window.” He gestured to the window in the living room and only then Ryan realized there were neon lights reflecting in the wall besides the building.

Shane’s arm went behind Ryan, over the couch, and he could just feel how thick the air had gotten. It had been a while since he was this tense with anyone, and tense in the best of ways. There was a lot of good anticipation burning in the pit of his stomach. Anxious for what was to come.

“What?” Shane murmured looking at him, a hot expression that awoke something in Ryan.

Ryan smiled nervously. “Uh, the lights.”

Shane looked ahead, a tiny smile appeared in his face and soon, he was walking towards the window. “It’s a screen,” he said, Ryan nodded even though Shane couldn’t see him. “It gives out those vibes, isn’t it?”

“What?” He murmured, not so sure why.

“Movie vibes.” He looked back with a small smile, then walked towards the TV and the vinyl, the movies, the CDs. “It just needs music.”

Ryan chuckle, watching as Shane searched for whatever he thought was needed for the lighting after leaving his glass on top of the table; Ryan left his on the coffee table and watched.

He had such a taste in music, very—him. He could listen to his Dr. Dog and Artic Monkeys all day, then put on some Beatles bullshit and call it a day listening to Andrew Bird at night. Big guy, big likes. Ryan had gotten used to it back at home. This was Shane’s now, and it was almost the same.

Something different filled the space instead, and he soon recognized it from Helen. From a movie that never came out with a haunting soundtrack that inspired his investigations back in the day. Shane was holding his phone, connected to the stereo over his vinyls—and he changed the song.

To another album, the same band. This was their mutual friend from the past’s doing.

“Seriously?” Ryan smiled, Shane wasn’t looking at him but he saw him smile, too.

“Yup, you put neon with vapor, that’s the rule.” He answered, the soft female voice of the lead singer making Ryan sigh. “At least for tonight.”

The man walked past the machines to the light’s switch and turned them off. Ryan swallowed, seeing as the lights from the screen let them see as much as needed, it was truly an aesthetic to appreciate—a film moment, made into reality. He needed to film this, too.

“You have that inspiration face on,” Shane commented, standing away from Ryan, at the switch’s side. “Haven’t seen it in a while.”

Ryan smiled.

Shane walked back to him, no hurry to sit down at his side as the music kept going and the lights that had been following them around danced in the room, like magic all around them—beautiful.

But instead of sitting, he crawled to Ryan’s lap in silence, just the music and the lights between them.

It melted Ryan, the way Shane was looking at him. The image of this beautiful man in front of him, Ryan was only able to follow his lead when Shane finally kissed him. It was full of uncertainty, Ryan tried to reciprocate before Shane got away, making a pause to look at him, blinking in the process.

His face was so close, Ryan would only need to lean forward a bit, and their lips would be touching again. Instead, he swallowed and looked at his friend, and it was all so different from a few minutes ago, from two years ago, from—

“Goddammit, Little Guy.” Shane murmured, eyes on Ryan’s lips. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I missed you, too,” he answered right away, no caring how desperate he sounded.

He had his hands on Shane’s back, lips so close he could drown on him. So he pulled Shane towards him, making them share a more heated kiss, that desperation from before back as Shane’s hands took his own scarf from Ryan’s neck, immediately going under his hoodie.

This was actually happening, Ryan’s brain barely registered himself getting hard and his hands moving to take Shane out his clothes.

He tried his best to undo all of Shane’s buttons from his red shirt, but when the man’s erection sought friction over his, he couldn’t help but moan loud, pulling the rest of the shirt open, buttons flying around them.

Shane laughed, moving his hips over Ryan’s while helping Ryan out his hoodie and kissing him hungry again.

Ryan wondered if Shane knew the kind of power he had over him, how much he had meant every word tonight, how much he had missed him like this and as his friend, and as whatever Shane wanted them to be.

It felt so good, to have him against his body, getting naked and getting off with their crouches only touching like if they were teenagers again. They had done so much before, this was a start he didn’t see coming but man, man he wanted to see that expression again.

Of when Shane was touching cloud nine, moaned so loud his voice got deeper, the most heavenly opera there is. When he would be so filled with energy and pleasure, he needed to hit something to relieve all the tension and stimulation. The wall, the bed’s frame, the mattress, never Ryan.

He had once bitten his own arm while reaching that state, and it had bled. Ryan had asked him to do it to him instead, and the more they asked of each other, the closer they got. It was still so incredible that nothing had been concrete back them.

They had been so stupid.

“Stop that.” Shane said, he had gotten out his blazer and was undoing his belt and pants.

“You are overthinking some shit.” He swallowed visibly, licked his lips and looked right into Ryan’s everything. “Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter now, Ryan.”

Ryan knew he was right. There was nothing in regret but suffering. He had Shane by himself right now, and if this was the last time—this is when he was going to make it worth it, make it good, the best if it was possible.

He nodded, watching as Shane hesitated for a second, but ultimately took off his shirt, and—

Ryan’s eyes opened wide. “What?” It sounded louder than he wanted.

Shane laughed immediately, chest moving up and down, the sound of it so beautiful. Ryan closed his eyes to enjoy it for a little while, then opened them because— _because_.

But he didn’t say anything he was planning on asking, he couldn’t do that when Shane had better ideas. Like kissing him senseless and let him touch his shoulder where the bite had become a scar, but it didn’t call his attention as much as the medal tattooed on Shane’s right pec.

“Come on,” Shane murmured, only then Ryan noticed he had killed the mood with his eyes focused only on the black ink. “It’s not that strange…”

“No, it’s—“ He cleared his throat and sat down better, at least Shane wasn’t getting away from him.

In the silence, Shane observed him for a few seconds, then moved so Ryan could see better. His eyes weren’t on Ryan’s, he didn’t care to watch him as he looked at the tattoo and recognized what it was. It made him wonder if he was embarrassed of it, or didn’t want Ryan to ask about it.

He knew perfectly what it was.

“Uh.”

“Let’s get this over.” Shane sat pretty much on his knees and sighed, signaling the scar first. “Scar from the demon bite, I decided not to take it away because it reminds me it’s out of my body.” Ryan opened his mouth to say whatever, but Shane kept talking, this time signaling his tattoo. “It’s the medal of Saint Benedict, but you already knew that, Mr. Smartass.” He sighed. “Got it months after coming here, I just—“

Shane gestured with his hands, Ryan understood the intention behind the tattoo even without that explanation. He couldn’t remember Shane ever talking about getting one or even an opinion on them, seeing it on his body was just another change Ryan wasn’t aware of.

It cupped most his pec, was so well done he could tell Shane took good care of it, which meant he wasn’t ashamed of the tattoo. The cross in the middle, the letters on the circle, it was all exactly like the medal. Whoever had given his friend the ink was talented, put great attention to detail. He hoped they had been well-paid.

His eyes followed the patterns to the bite, up Shane’s toned arms and chest, the shy lines on his abdomen and yeah, he was really working out now, it wasn’t a lie after all.

There was something aesthetically pleasing on the sight of his uncovered upper body and the chain hanging from his neck, a cross Ryan had given him on it. The blue of the cross made Ryan touch it with the tip of his fingers, slowly caressing the small circle where the same medal rested.

It had been a family gift, blessed by some man that turned out to be a scumbag. The blessing had no power over the other realm when done by unworthy men, they had gotten an explanation, but the faith Ryan had put on it did, supposedly.

He didn’t expect Shane to keep it, or for him to be wearing it when Ryan could see it.

“I never take it away,” he murmured, putting a finger over Ryan’s. “I put it on my wrist to sleep and hang it near me in the shower.” He said.

Blinking, Ryan kept exploring up to Shane’s handsome face, the stubble he always liked and the now long hair.

Damn. What a handsome fucking man.

“Does it work?” He asked.

After a few seconds, Shane nodded.

Ryan cradled his face, pulling him down for a kiss. His fingers curled on his hair, his other hand going down to caress his body, stealing a small moan from Shane’s lip. They kept kissing like wanting to achieve the level they had a minute ago, touching and grinding against each other.

Until Shane moved, kissing Ryan’s jaw and chin, down his neck and his collarbone. He left small marks everywhere he touched, Ryan sighed happily as he closed his eyes and arched his neck giving Shane chance to kiss as much skin as possible, hands pulling at Ryan’s shirt to take it off.

The man went down on his chest, kissing every inch he could reach, playing with his left nipple between his lips while his hand played with the other.

“Oh, shit!” Ryan moaned, Shane’s free hand had squeezed his hard-on gently and the bastard was grinning at him. “Fuck you, don’t give me that shit.”

“I know you want that shit, baby,” he murmured, pecking his lips and massaging his erection through his jeans. “Come on, I’ll show you a great time.”

Ryan couldn’t remember being this turned on in years, maybe never. He swallowed, closing his eyes again when Shane’s mouth captured his right nipple, sucking wetly at it while opening his jeans, one hand going inside them to keep massaging his erection.

His tongue went out, licking the fine lines of Ryan’s pecs and abs, seeming to enjoy the salt of his sweat and the warm of his skin. Ryan kept sighing, softly moaning as Shane’s hand became more insistent, desperate to feel more of him.

“Come on, move—“

“Uhm,” Ryan did as told, lifting his ass to let Shane take off his jeans and boxer in one movement. “Wait, let me—“

“Always in the mood, Bergara,” Shane chuckled, pulling down the best he could. “I forgot how damn skinny you wear these.” Shane smiled at him, Ryan felt his cheeks warm but smiled anyway, hissing at the cold air that hit his hot skin and cock.

“It’s okay,” Shane murmured, Ryan opened his eyes to see him hovering over the skin of his leg, kissing his knee and going up his thigh. “I’ll keep you warm.”

Shane had this—fucking way of saying things in these moments. Maybe it was just the tone of his voice, or the actions that followed his saying them, the way he was looking up at him with his long hair on his eyes as he opened his legs and kissed inside his thigh.

“Shane— Shit!”

He had licked a stripe from his hole to his sack, kissing his balls with a loud sound, going up to the base of his shaft. Shane went up his fully erect member just touching softy with his lips, until he took the crown in his mouth, slowly taking more of Ryan in, encouraged by the sounds the man was making.

Ryan’s hand went to his hair, his locks were always smooth and now it felt even better. Ryan watched as Shane didn’t hesitate to take almost all of him in, bobbing his head up and then down, eyes closed and respiration calm, truly enjoying what he was doing.

God, this man was gonna kill him.

Swallowing, Ryan let himself go, curling his toe fingers and closing his eyes, gently pushing Shane’s head down on his cock. Shane gagged a little, laughed when he let go of his cock with a loud pop. Ryan looked down, his lips were shining with saliva, his dick wet and red. Shane kept stroking him, using his saliva and the pre-cum as lube.

“You want to fuck my mouth?” He murmured, leaning his head on his thigh while stroking him in some sort of innocent act, looking very much like sin.

Ryan nodded, probably with a very dumb face, way too enthusiastic. It made Shane laugh but also move away, waiting for Ryan to stand up.

Shane looked up at him, waiting as Ryan took himself in one hand and fed his cock to him. He could see him smiling as he swallowed all of him, letting Ryan in until he hit the back of his throat.

The man drooled on his cock, tongue softly curling around until Ryan went out. Shane licked his lips, passed his fingers through his hair to put it into a messy bum, looking up at Ryan.

“Hold my hair, please?”

“Yeah, sure—“ Ryan moved, cupping the place of Shane’s hands behind his head.

Shane caressed up his legs, opening his mouth wide to let Ryan fuck into his mouth faster. He felt wonderful, warm and wet enough to make Ryan moan loudly and almost lose his balance. Shane squeezed one of his ass-cheeks, moaning around him as Ryan started to slowly thrust into his mouth.

Closing his eyes, Ryan pulled Shane’s hair as he found a better rhythm to use his mouth as they wanted. The man kept moaning, making those vibrations feel wonderful around him, giving him goosebumps while Ryan rocked his hips faster in short thrusts to not gag him.

He had lost his grip on Shane’s hair; it was a mess between sweat, Ryan’s hand on it, and a few locks stuck on Shane’s cheek as he kept sucking Ryan off. He hollowed his cheeks, made Ryan stop to groan deeper, hand pulling harder on Shane’s hair.

If it hurt, Shane didn’t mind it. He moaned with him and fuck—if he kept sucking like that, making his movements so erratic, making him feel his legs weak, he was going to come in his mouth this fast.

Ryan looked down, the stretch of Shane’s mouth looked fantastic and the way the man was looking up at him, God—he had missed those eyes so much. His entire presence was always so soothing to him, them being intimate had been a dream he never knew to appreciate like he did now.

So he let Shane finish him, stopped moving or else he’d lose his balance and collapse on him. Shane seemed to understand, letting him go and pushing him gently to the couch again, crawling his way back between his legs.

He hadn’t touched himself at all, he always seemed chill even at this, at wanting to please Ryan as much as he could and then, maybe he’ll take care of himself. Ryan had learned back then to please him back, had found a rhythm where the two could get the other off together, and he yearned for this to still be theirs.

“Turn around, baby,” Shane said, hands on Ryan’s lap, waiting for him to move.

Blinking, Ryan turned with his knees on the couch, Shane pulled the jeans and boxers out his feet alongside his shoes and socks _(“I swear to God, Ryan, we have sex with you on your socks again and I’m edging you for an entire week!”_ ). Ryan smiled, feeling Shane’s breathe on his thighs and ass, his hands spreading his legs wider.

“You still have the best ass I’ve ever seen…” He bit his right cheek, Ryan jumped a little but arched his back more, presenting to Shane, wanting what he hoped was coming.

The man caressed his right side, carefully separated his cheeks with both hands and looked at his hole. Ryan tried to bend as much as he could, giving Shane all the space he needed.

Shane chuckled again, kissed his cheek before sucking on his hole without any kind of preamble, tongue darting out to lick the sensitive rim.

Wet sounds and little whimpers filled the room, the soft music from before not making any sense as Ryan’s pleasured little noises became louder. He moaned to the wall in front of him, knuckles white while grabbing hard at the couch, Shane’s mouth too present on his hole, opening him with his tongue, fingers firm on his ass.

Shane was way too good with his mouth, he once joked it made sense for how much he talked. He couldn’t think of any fucking jokes now, lost in pleasure, trying to not scream as Shane lapped at his hole and stroked his cock in rhythm with his tongue, faster every second he breathed.

“Fuck, fuck—“ Ryan moaned, moving against Shane’s mouth, wanting to fuck himself on his tongue at the same time he tried to fuck Shane’s fist. “Fuck, Shane—I’m go—Shane…! Shane!”

He felt Shane’s hands leave his cock and his ass, his mouth still busy on his hole, then the sound of clothes being removed. The unmistakable sound of Shane touching himself, getting off of his moans and his mouth of his ass made Ryan’s body tremble, orgasm building at the bottom of his stomach, toes curling as the pleasure boiled deep in his core.

Shane bit his hole softly, Ryan yelled his name in pleasure and gasped when the man didn’t come back to his body. Instead, he pushed Ryan aside in the couch, sitting after taking down his jeans and underwear. Ryan crawled to his lap, kissing him messy while Shane took their erections together and started to jerk them off.

Moaning on each other’s mouth, Ryan felt his orgasm build again and kissed Shane’s jaw and neck, sucking a few marks of his own, ignoring the bite on his shoulder and going back to his mouth before Shane spit on his hand.

Ryan giggled a little, moving into Shane’s fist, that electrifying sensation of being loved suddenly too overwhelming like that time years ago, so hungry for Shane he just had to open his eyes and see the expression on the man’s face to come with a loud moan, head falling back.

He felt Shane’s lips on his neck, his teeth biting him a little while he used his come to increase the friction on his own cock, Ryan’s own sensitive and softening shaft bringing more pain that pleasure after a few seconds.

“Ssstoop—“ He murmured between his ragged breaths and the moans still coming out his mouth, his hand went down between them, quickly replacing Shane’s on his dick and starting to jerk him off like he knew Shane liked.

The older man’s moans encouraged him to keep going, Ryan bit his lip as he watched Shane being undone by just his hand. Like the little Thursday afternoon jerk-off sessions they used to have when they lived together, Shane’s sweet, pleased smile against his lips.

He was moaning his name like a mantra now, hand gripping hard at his side. Ryan would be sporting a big Shane-sized hand print on his skin in the morning, and he couldn’t be happier about it.

Shane was once all he ever wanted, was still all of it. Being marked his, having him like this, made a mess just by him playing with the tip of his dick, moving his hand just so— _Fuck_.

“Shit, Ry—“

Ryan nodded, enthusiastically moving, actually happy that this was happening. “Come on, big guy, come for me…” He murmured against his lips, kissing him between pauses.

Shane kept moaning, hips moving and hands gripping harder, cock twitching in Ryan’s hand.

“Please, please, I want to see you—“ He begged, Shane’s eyes opened and stared right into Ryan’s, his mouth fell open and a deep groan rumbled out before he came between their bellies and chests.

“Jesus,” he moaned again, shouting the last reminding stripes of come before hugging Ryan tightly against his body. “Fuck!”

They kissed like that, hugging each other in their mess. The smell of sex and semen didn’t bother him, not when it came to this man. Ryan smiled at him when they separated to look at each other, he didn’t seem to react, except to hug Ryan again and he felt him hide his face on his neck.

Several minutes after, Ryan was shaken awake to find Shane smiling at him.

He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. Instead, he just kissed Ryan’s chin, making him wheeze a little.

“I just ate you out without asking if you’re clean.” Shane murmured, Ryan chuckled at that. “Guess it doesn’t matter now, but—“ He arched an eyebrow, still circling Ryan with his arms. “Are you clean, Ryan?”

“Yes, moron.” He kissed his nose, leaned his head between Shane’s shoulder and neck, sighing. “I’m assuming you are, too.”

“Yeah,” he answered, putting his head softly over Ryan’s. “Not seeing anybody either, so nothing to worry about.”

Ryan blinked, bit his bottom lip and nodded. “Good.”

They remained like that for another couple of minutes, Shane tenderly rocking them before stilling, kissed Ryan’s hair and relaxed, still hugging Ryan on his lap.

“We’re a fucking mess.” Shane informed him, Ryan nodded. “Let’s take a shower, yeah?”

Ryan nodded again.

* * *

 

He loved to sleep with Shane.

Sex was great with him, always had been. But actually getting to sleep with Shane, on the same bed, no pillows between them, had been what Ryan thought of the most while lonely in LA.

“Can I ask you something?” Ryan murmured in the middle of the darkness, the noise and light of odd cars passing by from the street a simple accessory to the moment, letting him see Shane’s face in the dark.

“Sure,” Shane murmured, sounding already tired. He still slept easily, it seems. “Shoot.”

Ryan faced him, Shane smiled and supported his head on his hand while lying on his side, waiting for Ryan to talk. The man cleared his throat.

“You said therapy and exercise helped you when you needed it.” He started, Shane simply nodded. “But, like—you do know how you look, right?”

Shane frowned. “What do you mean?”

“It’s just that…” Ryan bit his thumb, looking at Shane up and down even laying like this. The man smirked. “Well, you know how I couldn’t keep my eyes off you when you were doing CrossFit?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, it’s like that but…” He got his fingers on Shane’s soft hair, still a damp from their shower. Shane smiled, enjoying the sensation as Ryan locked his fingers on his hair. “It’s worse. You are hot.”

“Ow,” Shane said, playful and still smiling with his eyes closed. “I wasn’t hot before?”

“I—“ Ryan chuckled, pulling at his hair a little, Shane sighed happily. He still liked the little pain like that, uh? “I mean, I always found you hot, actually, but now is like—even more.”

“Funny, I don’t work out to gain weight. Or volume.”

Shane opened his eyes, moving towards him to then lay down on his back, his head on Ryan’s chest. Ryan smiled and put his hand on Shane’s hair again, kissing his forehead.

“You know my body doesn’t work like that, I can’t win weight easily. I don’t want to, either.” He yawned. “I don’t do it to be healthy either. It’s just part of my routine now, and a good distraction. Kind of an obsessive thing.”

Funny how things got serious so easily now. Ryan took the hair out Shane’s forehead, and kept caressing it softly. Shane blinked a couple of times, “Yeah? Why?”

He fell silent for what felt like minutes, Shane sighed when Ryan didn’t insist and the man waited for him to change the subject, but he actually got an honest answer.

“I fear… I fear she’ll come back.” He murmured. “So I get distracted, and stronger—just in case.”

Ryan blinked once, thinking. His arms rounded Shane’s neck from behind, the man laughed a little but rested his hand on Ryan’s, sighing happily as they stayed like that.

“I’m not proud of the things I’ve done, Ryan,” he confessed. “Like what I told you before, it wasn’t—it wasn’t a one-time thing. I really needed help.” Ryan’s hold got tighter, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear that but Shane was opening up to him again—he couldn’t say no. “There’s something…” He shook his head.

“What?” Ryan insisted after a few seconds in silence. “What is it?”

“Nothing important,” Shane said, leaning all of him on Ryan and looking up with a smile. "What is that?” He asked, closing his eyes for a few seconds. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Ryan frowned. “Like what?” He murmured.

“Like if at any given moment, some black mass will come out my mouth.”

“Shane…” Ryan swallowed, getting away from him, Shane lifted himself and looked back at him, sitting on the bed. “Don’t say shit like that, it’s not—“ He swallowed while hearing Shane laugh, he knew Shane sometimes used humor to mask some shit going on. Ryan sighed. “I’m sorry if I was, it’s just… I don’t know. I don’t know how to deal with any of this.”

“Uhm.” Shane nodded, his little frown so cute, Ryan wanted to kiss it. “Neither do I, I’ve been just learning on the go.” He said. “I still have nightmares, and the scar on my shoulder,” He put a hand over it, Ryan saw him squeeze it hard. “I can hear her voice sometimes.”

Ryan looked at him, still not believing they were doing this. But the man just smiling at him, going back to lay down with his arms opened. Ryan went to them immediately, now they were fresh out the shower in Shane’s bed, new men wanting to share all they could.

He was wearing Shane’s too-long shorts and an also-too-long T-shirt, and he wasn’t questioning why Shane would assume he wanted to spend the night in his arms, because he sure wanted for as long as possible.

“You don’t have to say anything, okay?” he murmured against Ryan’s hair. “I don’t need you to have any answers, it makes me feel better just to have you here.” He said.

God, but he wanted to keep pretending tomorrow he wasn’t going back to Los Angeles alone, and their lives would go on about the same. Away from each other, with friends the other doesn’t know now, different jobs, different time zones even.

Ryan blinked away tears, sighed when Shane kissed his hair and smiled against his chest. He looked up at Shane, fingers softly caressing his stubble. Shane closed his eyes and leaned on his touch like a dog, making Ryan wheeze.

“I have another question.”

“Okay.”

“The tattoo.”

Shane chuckled. “I already told you about it.”

“Yeah, but how that happened? Why you got it?”

“Well…” He started to make circles on Ryan’s side, distracting himself from whatever he was about to say. “It just occurred to me to get it. I didn’t want to carry one hundred crosses around. It’s not like if truly believe in all of that, just…” He trailed off.

Filling in the blank spaces of Shane’s explanations wasn’t so difficult, Ryan wondered if it was for how easy it was to imagine what shit could mean given his situation or because he knew Shane that well. Whatever it was, it didn’t make things truly that easy.

“Until a few months ago, most things I did were out of fear,” he said. A part of Ryan really wanted to know the details. He remained silent. “I kept thinking she was going to come back eventually, and what could I do to protect myself? It worked to use this against her, this…” Shane signaled his own chest, poking the space. “This medal thing worked.”

Shane sighed, Ryan swallowed and kept caressing Shane’s stubble. “I know these things exist now, but it did nothing to give me faith. It only made me angry.”

“I know.” Ryan murmured.

“But I believe in what this does, what it means.” Shane smiled. “Like I said, I’ve seen it work.”

Ryan nodded. “I’m sorry I’m making you say all this shit. It must be… not that good to remember.”

“That’s fine.” He pushed him gently away from him, helping him turn around. Ryan made himself comfortable over the mattress. “I’m always thinking about it, somehow.” Shane kissed his temple and hugged him from behind.

Ryan smiled. The man had a way to cuddle him; spooning him with a leg between his, hand graving Ryan’s with his fingers interlocked over his chest, where his heartbeat could be felt.

“Or, about you. About—before, you know?”

Shane would bury his nose on his hair or his neck, sometimes just put his chin on Ryan’s head, other times just at his side, take a deep breath and bath on Ryan’s smell, his presence that seemed to fit right with him, or so he had said before.

It hadn’t changed, Ryan noticed, wondering in the silence of Shane’s room if he could stay in this moment forever.

Shane was cuddling him exactly as he used to, chin on his head, Ryan pretty much secure in his arms with his back against Shane’s chest.

And now this.

“I don’t want you to go…” He murmured, voice sounding tired. “You should stay here.”

He could feel the man breathing calm, falling asleep after such intense orgasm and another good kissing session in the shower. His hair was probably still a little damp, Ryan’s sure was and he blinked, hoping he could find in his sleep a way to tell Shane the truth.

That he still had feelings for him, that this couldn’t be it for them, that he wanted to keep him in his life like this.

That maybe they deserved to be happy together.

* * *

 

Waking up without Shane had felt like a punch in the stomach, all of his spirit dropping to the floor as he desperately looked around, afraid he may have dreamt everything.

Like that time he woke up in the middle of the night, the day Shane left for good, and still searched for him in the apartment, knowing well the man wouldn’t be there.

He was around in here, though.

This room didn’t belong to Ryan, wasn’t the one he had slept in last night that he shared with Andrew—this was Shane’s room in his fancy apartment in Chicago, warm and comfortable, smelling of him, a little dog bed in one corner.

Ryan sighed, rubbing his closed eyes before standing out the bed and going to the bathroom.

The fact that Shane hadn’t changed the kind of soap he used made him smile, the place smelling of coffee and his chocolate-scented shampoo for sensitive scalp. The place was very clean; it reminded him a little of a hotel room bathroom, but with a polaroid of a puppy he recognized as Daisy, one of Shane’s tattoo and another one of him and the pup stuck in the mirror.

He couldn’t help but smile, walking out the bathroom and into the room to then take off to the living room, where he suspected Shane was.

_I don’t want you to go. You should stay here._

The smile disappeared from his face, not sure of what to do with that information. Was it the heat of the moment? Or did Shane really meant that? Was this what he wanted? Ryan swallowed, thinking of what _he_ wanted.

Did he wanted a long distance relationship with a man who would never put a foot in his home again? Did he wanted to deal with the past every day and call it home to a present he was unsure of, that he couldn’t predict, all leaning into a future he had no way to even imagine how it would be?

What did he want? Ryan blinked, seeing as Shane drank from a small glass, probably alcohol, probably the whiskey from the night before. Did he want this? Shane looking to nowhere in particular, the neon light from the screen in the parking lot casting a nice shadow on his face and torso, whiskey going up to his lips.

Another moment to film. Ryan blinked, walking slowly towards him.

Like he’d known he was there since the beginning, Shane looked at him without saying a word. The complete silence was making him anxious, Ryan stood there looking at the man as he walked towards him, drinking the last reminders of his glass, leaving it on the couch.

He cradled his face gently, thumbs caressing his cheeks before his lips claimed his softly. It was a small, short kiss; he looked Ryan in the eyes after, and the man tried a smile that Shane didn’t return, just went down to kiss him again, this time firm and warm, tasting of alcohol and a melancholic kind of desire.

“You’ve been drinking,” he said, Shane nodded and went back to kiss him.

“Just a little, nothing to be worried about.” Another kiss, two and three more. “I swear, it was just a shot with ice, just one glass.”

“Shane—“

The man kept kissing him, Ryan responded in kind, pulling Shane against him by the collar of his shirt. He was way too tall, slightly heavier than he remembered, but Ryan could still pin him against a wall if he wanted.

It reminded him of how good he had felt earlier when they had been in the living room, he wanted to make Shane feel as good, keep stealing more of this day and these hours, breathe him in and have this memory to get drunk when he wakes up from the dream this was.

Ryan pushed him to the wall, making Shane laugh as he made himself smaller. He smiled at the older man, pulled on his shirt to have his lips again, one hand on his hair and the other going down to touch everything he could, remove clothes, caress his body, feel him closer.

He sighed, moaning into Ryan’s kiss when his hand went up under his shirt to play with one nipple. Ryan moved his kisses to Shane’s cheek, down his jaw to his chin, going down to his neck where he kissed the marks he left earlier, sucking new ones, wheezing against his skin as Shane squeezed his ass and put a leg between his, insistently touching his hardening cock.

Like when they had started to be sexually intimate, those afternoons-turned-nights having sex like they were virgins discovering orgasm from another’s hand. Those sex marathons that made them laugh when the phone yelled for attention, probably Devon angry they were not responding to the messages about hotels and places to visit. It felt like that again, just for one night.

Ryan took a deep breath, looking up at Shane who was licking his lips before kissing again.

This time, Ryan went down on his knees, immediately going for Shane’s boxers to take them down and free his hardening cock. Ryan bit his cheek inside his mouth, suddenly watering at the sight of him—he smiled, stroking Shane as he grew harder in his hand.

“You little shit…” The man murmured, Ryan smiled, licking a stripe from the base to the tip.

Shane shivered at his mercy, closed his eyes and breathed heavy, hand on his head. Ryan took the chance to kiss his ingle and the bottom of his abdomen, still pumping on his cock while exploring the new lines on his body, kissing his belly button.

The man jumped, chuckled happily at the sensation and Ryan looked up. Shane’s cheeks were red, he had a wide smile on him that looked gorgeous, eyes shining just like that—yeah, he should stay, he didn’t want to go anywhere without him anymore.

Ryan swallowed, Shane took his chin in one hand, fingers so gentle it only made him smile when he shoved his thumb inside his mouth to open it. Ryan licked his finger, got it so wet with saliva it made a bridge between his lips and Shane’s thumb when he took it out.

“What do you want, angel?”

If he wasn’t hard enough before that, he sure was now. Ryan felt himself getting impatient, it had been so long since he had been called that with tenderness, and Shane had such a way. He wanted everything he could give him.

Ryan opened his mouth without taking his eyes away from him.

“You want my cock, don’t you?”

He nodded enthusiastically, making Shane smile wider.

“Open up,” he said, taking his dick in one hand, stroking himself a few times to get harder and touching the tip with Ryan’s tongue. “You are so beautiful…” Ryan opened his mouth as wide as he could, slowly swallowing as much as he could of him.

It felt so good to have his mouth stretched this way. Shane often mocked him saying he was two seconds from having an oral fixation and in times like these, Ryan thought he may as well have—or maybe he just liked to suck Shane off. Or big dicks— whatever it was, it had something to do with Shane and the sounds he made, his hand on his hair, how heavy he was on his mouth, the tickling in the corner of his lips as he took him whole.

God, he hadn’t forgotten how big Shane was, but he wasn’t used to it anymore. He gagged a little, coughed after letting him go. Shane waited patiently for him to recover, caressing his hair and asking gently if he was alright. Ryan nodded, looking at him for a few seconds before going back to take him in.

He drooled on his dick, enjoying the taste before going down on it until all of Shane was on his mouth, crow hitting the back of his throat. Shane moaned loud, always so pleased with Ryan’s gagging reflexes, it made Ryan feel some sort of hot pride that made his own cock twitch.

Slowly, he followed a rhythm, bobbing his head up and down, looking at Shane’s face to find out if this was alright for him, if he wanted more, if he was being good. Shane’s expression made him smile around his cock. He had his eyes closed and head thrown back, mouth open leaving out small moans and sighs that echoed in the apartment.

Ryan caressed Shane’s skin with his fingers, put a hand on his shaft as he let go of him to take fresh air. He licked the crown, sucked on it and drank the pre-cum that had formed there, all the while stroking Shane with his hand.

He drooled on two of his fingers, slowly searching for Shane’s entrance, making him moan louder when he felt the cool of them on his sensitive rim. Ryan swallowed his cock once more, hollowing his cheeks while making gentle circles on Shane’s rim to help him relax, very slowly introducing just one finger, knowing he wouldn’t go too far without lube and not wanting to break the spell they were on.

Shane pulled on his hair, putting him in place to then thrust in his mouth. Ryan swallowed, wrapping his tongue in Shane, finger in up to his knuckle. He looked up at Shane, waiting for him to look back and realize what he was trying to do here—and of course, the man understood without even looking.

“Fuck, you’re gonna be the death of me, Ryan…” He murmured, thrusting into Ryan’s mouth again, hand firm on his hair, legs separating more to let him in.

Ryan closed his eyes, relaxed his jaw the best he could and started to fuck his finger in and out of Shane, following the wonderful noises the man was doing.

All he wanted was to make him feel good, but fuck—this was amazing, sex with Shane was always great, even in their sloppiest and laziest moments.

He kept fingering Shane, making sure no actual discomfort was on his face every time he went in. But in his face were only pleasure and want, Adam’s apple moving and mouth opening every time he let out a groan, and some little whimpers that Ryan treasured to himself.

But then, the man pulled up his hair, calling his attention to stand up, face him, and get kissed with such force, he had to grab Shane’s shirt to not fall on his back. Shane breathed in still kissing him, chest and shoulders going up and down, their mouths too busy to think of saying anything in the moment as they started to walk back to Shane’s room between kisses.

His cock was pretty much awake, searching for attention as he moved his hips in Shane’s direction, rubbing his crotch on Shane’s heard-on, the friction not enough but so, so good.

Shane pushed him into the bed, taking the pause to take off his sleeping shirt and dispose of Ryan’s own clothes, boxers first. Once he was as naked, Ryan crawled backwards to the middle of the bed, waiting for Shane to keep things up.

Their erections went against each other, making them moan in each other’s mouths before kissing. The desperation of their actions reminded Ryan that he won’t have this again, tomorrow they would go back to their real lives and keep going.

Ryan saw Shane move, searching for something on his drawer at the bed’s side. He swallowed, admiring how toned and overall nice he looked today, that gorgeous hair, all those birthmarks and pretty freckles he knew so well and could never forget.

“Condom?” Shane showed him one, Ryan blinked thinking about it—and about what he wanted. He shook his head no. “No?” Shane asked to make sure.

Ryan smiled at him. “It’s not necessary for me.” He said, swallowing before opening his legs a little to make an invitation. “Shane?”

“Mmm?” The man moved, bottle of lube in his hands, still not looking at Ryan.

He laid down, cheeks feeling warm, suddenly shy. Shane looked at him when he said nothing, watching as Ryan stroked his cock lazily and maintained his legs flexed, showing his hole and hoping for the damn best. He chuckled with a hungry smirk.

“Yes, Ryan?”

Back then, Shane had insisted he should ask for whatever he wanted. Shane was a generous lover, always thinking of Ryan’s pleasure first and then his, and he had agreed to everything Ryan ever wanted. It had cost him to admit many things, but Shane had been so patient with him, it wasn’t strange to Ryan he hadn’t feel so good during sex in a while after him.

He felt the mattress move, Shane had gotten the dim light of his bed table on and Ryan was looking at the ceiling, lost in thought. It wasn’t until Shane was on top of him that he came back to his reality, pre-cum pooling on his stomach, staining his fingers.

Shane took his lips and his hand’s place, jerking him off while playing with his tongue. He went to kiss his cheek, up his face to his nose, his lips again and now his chin, licking at his neck, kissing, sucking, going to his shoulders, biting more skin, playing with his nipples and then again to his lips.

Ryan hugged his neck with his arms, the chain feeling cold between their chests. He maintained Shane close like this, and opened his legs wider, finding his voice again, right in Shane’s mouth.

“Fuck me,” he murmured, Shane’s eyes moved to look directly at his face. “Please, I—I want you,” he said, swallowing when Shane didn’t answer. He had even stopped stroking him. “I want you inside me, please, please…”

“Yeah?” He replied as low, as if someone else would hear them like this.

Ryan nodded enthusiastically, moving his hips towards Shane’s, wanting that friction more than anything.

“Please,” He kept saying, feeling suddenly desperate.

The pleased smirk on Shane’s lips didn’t escape him, Ryan bit his lip as Shane moved to kneel between his open legs. The way the cross hung on his chest, going up and down with his heavy respiration, shining in the yellowish light, it all made an image he wouldn’t be forgetting any time soon.

Sweat, hair that sticks on skin, red and purple marks. Ryan started to stroke himself again, Shane pulling him towards him by his ankles. The man opened his legs wider, as near as possible against Ryan’s chest. He went down and Ryan held his breath for as long as it took him to touch his hole.

“Fuck!” Ryan yelped when Shane sucked on his hole.

Ryan took his own legs up with his hands to give Shane all the access he wanted, kept moaning as the man lapped at his entrance and uncapped the lube. He heard him between his pleasured sounds as he moved, warming the lube on his fingers, touching the rim with the tip of one.

“You always look so gorgeous like this,” Shane told him, Ryan opened his eyes and looked at him.

His finger went it. It was a familiar sensation—those long fingers had been his perdition once, they were in his dreams often, he played with his own sometimes wishing it were Shane’s.

“Fuck, baby—“ Shane sighed, leaning on him to kiss his lips. “Tell me more, come on.”

Oh, he had said that out loud. Ryan blinked a couple of times, moaned harder when he felt Shane rubbing himself on Ryan’s thigh.

Even when he had tried to date, went out with plenty of people, girls and guys alike, slept with some—he always went back to the same illusion. The idea that one day he’ll see Shane again and, beyond his desire to clear things up, he could be in this position with the man on top of him, kissing him, handling him like only he knew how.

Many times he would wake up hating himself for being so stupid, hard as hell, and he wouldn’t touch himself as a punishment, only to do it a day or two later and end up screaming Shane’s name.

A second finger went inside him, penetrations becoming slower.

Ryan loved this, loved the feeling of having someone he liked and trusted inside him. it had cost him a lifetime to accept and be okay with it, and he had learned how good it was to let go, with Shane.

Tonight, he wanted it to be the best.

He’ll fuck him later if he wanted; right now all he wanted was to feel him close, let him in, give up to how he felt for him and how much he had missed him, his lips, his hands, his smell, his eyes looking at him like if he had his life in his hands.

“Baby,” Shane called him.

Ryan opened his eyes and kissed him back when he leaned on his lips, fingers scissoring inside him before adding a third one. He moaned at the stretching, lifting his head to kiss him again, biting his bottom lip and making the man chuckle, long fingers finally touching that sensitive point inside him after all the teasing.

The man moved over him, looking as Ryan’s face contorted in pleasure, asking for more with each little whimper and moan—and Shane gave him exactly that, all the pleasure he could deliver in that moment with his fingers massaging his prostate so gentle and sweet, it was torture.

“Oh, shit. Shane, Shane—“ He squeezed his shoulder, arching his back when Shane kept overstimulating his prostate without mercy.

It felt overwhelming, every extremity of his body becoming numb, orgasm threatening to explode. Ryan opened his eyes, looking at the ceiling as he groaned loudly, it was pretty much a scream and it sounded a lot like Shane’s name.

He wanted more, wanted him.

Ryan let go of his legs, rounding Shane with them to push Shane closer to him. The bastard was laughing, hand going to his erection to give himself a few strokes before expanding his fingers inside Ryan, making him scream with his eyes wide open, one tear going down his cheek when, once again, Shane’s fingers touched that place inside him.

“I dream you like this,” Shane murmured, getting out his fingers with a gasp from Ryan. “Undone, screaming my name.” He soaked his fingers with lube, stroking his cock with it, moaning deep at the sensation.

His tip was angry red, dripping pre-cum, and it only made him open his legs wider and his mouth water.

Ryan was so gone for this man, his body responding to him as it always did without any other thought but to belong to him, and he said as much to Shane.

They kissed again, the remaining lube on Shane’s hand wetting his entrance some more. Ryan bit his tongue gently when he felt Shane’s tip in his entrance, moaned on his kiss when the first few inches went in and finally begged for it loud, desperate to touch Heaven together, just have him like this.

Shane was licking his lips when Ryan opened his eyes, half his cock inside him. He moved, shoving his ass against Shane’s pelvis but the man maintained him in place, big hands grabbing him firm and hard, securing those red hand marks and Ryan craved for them deeper.

“Fuck me, fuck me, please, please—“ He insisted, noticing Shane moving his head to one side, that shine in his eyes when he was admiring him.

The ‘you are so cute and so hot, I want to fuck you forever’ eyes, a label that had Shane laughing like a moron two years ago as they laid together in bed one Monday morning. Right now, Shane smiled at him, getting all the way in, closing his eyes when Ryan was finally full of his cock.

For a moment, everything stopped. If there were cars outside, no sound or light mattered or was seen. Ryan closed his eyes when Shane bottomed out almost all the way, and then went back in, slow but deep. He felt heavy, was still the biggest Ryan has ever had, the stretch feeling so perfect, his nose burned with the familiar sensation of wanting to cry.

The truth was… all this was overwhelming. Wonderfully so, Shane penetrating him slowly, getting in as deep as possible, circling his hips and carefully adjusting him and himself until he could hit Ryan’s prostate. A tear went down, his mouth opened, tiny sounds left his mouth and this was it.

Here in this room, in this silence dressed in dim light and tiny whispers of praises and prayers for more, it was enough for him. He would let Shane go after this if he wanted, would fight and keep him in his life if that was what the man wanted. Anything, just like that.

Shane’s long hair moved with him, going faster and sticking on his neck and face. His lips were red and puffy from all the kissing, nose equally red as it always got with the activity. Ryan smiled, nails softly marking the man’s arms and chest, down his belly. His hand went up, caressing the new marks on his torso, the tattoo on his pec, playing slightly with his nipple before pulling him down for a kiss by his neck.

With his fingers lost in Shane’s hair, Ryan tried to move along with him in his trusts, wanting things to go faster, harder. Shane smiled at him, taking one of his legs to put it over his shoulder, kissing the inside of his calf, opening the other wider and finally going faster.

“Come on…” Shane breathed out, his moans as low as Ryan remembered them. “Come on, baby—up, up.”

“What?”

“This is not working,” He said, letting go of his legs and getting out Ryan. He blinked a couple of times, lifting his body to look at him closer, but Shane only kissed him messy. “C’mere.”

Ryan followed Shane’s instructions, getting in four before he noticed Shane had sat down on the mattress, one pillow behind him on his lower back. He opened his arms towards Ryan, erection shining with more lube and Ryan wanted to swallow him whole. If he wasn’t so desperate to have him inside, he’d be sucking him off right now.

Fuck. He really was a slut for Shane’s cock.

“What’s so funny, uh?” Shane smiled against his lips when Ryan giggled, straddling Shane’s hips.

“I just—“ His face felt hot, Ryan lifted his ass and took Shane in one hand, pulling his right cheek apart to let him in again. “I was thinking…” He sighed almost in relief, Shane balls deep inside him, having sighed pleased, too. “Just thinking how much I love your cock.”

Shane smirked, that expression of power he sometimes had. He had wanted to explore more of that part of him, always so turned on by his moments of complete dominance, the way he would fill him up to then cover him in kisses when they were done.

Right now, Shane took his hips with both hands without taking his eyes off him, sounding so damn sexy while moaning as he adjusted himself inside Ryan.

Jesus fuck, he was big alright. It had also been awhile since Ryan last got someone inside him, no one as satisfactory as this. Shane’s smile went nova after hearing the confession, confident in his skills and shit—this was all Ryan’s now.

His arms rounded Shane’s neck, kissing him tenderly, soft in the happiness to be here. He wanted to be Shane’s so bad, he wanted him to feel himself Ryan’s. He wondered if the man felt the same as they looked at each other’s eyes after the kiss, so odd after the intensity of their encounter.

Ryan moved up, put his forehead on Shane’s, and went down on his cock, both moaning together, eyes on the other’s. He kept moving like this, faster than Shane had been and yeah, he understood now what the man meant. This felt better, deeper and faster.

They kept kissing, Shane’s hips following Ryan’s movements with one hand on the bed, gripping the sheets until his knuckles were white, the other alternating between stroking Ryan’s dick and caressing his body freely.

He pushed him down on the bed, supporting himself with his hands on Shane’s chest and the man laughed, laying down with a smile as Ryan started to ride him faster. He had lost the angle Shane had adjusted to hit his prostate, part on purpose to delay his orgasm as best he could, wanting this to last the wait, all the pain and the lonely days.

Shane surprised him with a strong thrust, making him lose his balance for a second he took to change positions again. He wasn’t sure from where they had gotten all this energy, but God-fucking-bless, Ryan was definitely not going to complain when Shane was manhandling him to lay on his belly, lips covering his back in kisses before helping him to get in all fours.

Teasing him rubbing his cock against his ass, Ryan took the pillow Shane had been using to bit it, hiding his face on it when Shane entered him in one strong movement, all the way in directly to his goddamn prostate, making him scream louder than he had all night, veins clearing on his neck.

“Shit,” Shane murmured, one hand on Ryan’s shoulder to keep him in place and the other on his hips. “Fuck, are you alright?” Ryan nodded with enthusiasm, making him chuckle. “You want it, baby?” He nodded again, his voice long gone. “Like this?” He fucked into him harder, same angle, that delicious push inside him. “Huh?”

“Yes—“ He babbled out, not sure how he was managing to with his head in blank. “Yes, please, sir, please, fuck me harder, please…”

Shane stopped for a second after hearing “sir,” he heard him breathe in and out harder, and with both hands on his hips, he started to thrust into him stronger than before—fast, hard until it was almost hurting and Ryan wanted it even more, he liked the burn and the amazing sensation of Shane making a mess out of him.

He opened his mouth, letting each moan sound like a plea.

More, more, more, he wanted to come and still have Shane fucking him like this, like nothing else mattered in the world but Ryan’s pleasure. He loved his hand on his neck, squeezing just so before going to his hair, maintaining his head down, drooling on Shane’s pillow, dirty words and adoring declarations surrounding him in the echo of his heart beating uncontrollably and his moans sounding more broken with each passing second.

“Up, sweetheart.” He said near his ear. “Up, up—“

Ryan left him lift him until his back was touching Shane’s chest, the cool of the cross against his back making a contrast that spread goosebumps in his body. Shane kissed his shoulder, went for his neck and Ryan moved to catch his lips.

He held him in place with both hands on his hips, entering him in a new angle that allowed Ryan to recover some clarity. Shane’s tongue went out his lips, Ryan catched it in his teeth and made him laugh, getting to kiss him again.

They were a damn mess, they would need another shower yes or yes—the smell of their sweat, sex in the air, Shane’s cologne and shampoo, the coffee soap… Ryan swallowed, bending a little as Shane searched a better angle, thrusts going a little bit slower now.

“Oh! There! Ssssh—iiit!” Ryan groaned, Shane bit his shoulder and kissed his back, hitting that point over and over. “I’m, I’m—“

“Come on, sweetheart, just—let it go—“

 _I don’t wat to_ , he tried to say, but all he got out were louder moans, gaining him Shane’s hand on his dick, stroking him fast in rhythm with his hips.

No, he didn’t want this to end. Shane had grown impossible harder and heavier inside him, Ryan recognized the struggle to keep the rhythm as the man feeling about to hit his orgasm and he opened his mouth, enjoying the sensation of Shane’s fingers tenderly touching his neck, caressing his jaw until his thumb was in his mouth.

Ryan licked his fingers, hand over Shane’s to make him go faster, the other one on Shane’s hip, going down to squeeze his ass while Shane kept fucking him until he yelled, a loud bang in the distance or maybe just his scream as Ryan fell on the mattress, moaning Shane’s name, semen pooling in the bed sheets—

“Shit, shit, shit…”

“Don’t stop!” Ryan begged when he felt Shane move away, he couldn’t move anymore but fuck it, he wanted this. “Please, just—please, please, in, in me—“ He babbled.

The man didn’t answer, but he seemed to understand. His thrusts had grown more erratic, and he gripped Ryan’s hips with both hands, hard enough to hurt and make Ryan whimper, feeling too much until Shane came inside him with a soundless moan.

Ryan tried his best to turn around, admiring Shane’s tense neck and shoulder as the deep sound of his orgasm finally went out his throat. He had his head thrown back, hair falling beautifully with a prominent lock stuck on his cheek and mouth, some others on his neck.

This was a sight to remember. Ryan swallowed and let go of an involuntary whimper, feeling his eyes water with the hot sensation of Shane’s semen inside him and his hand relaxing with the rest of his body.

Shane looked at him, breathing still out of control. None said a word, he just collapsed half over him, half on the bed, still inside him. Ryan closed his eyes when Shane interlocked their fingers, maintaining their hands at Ryan’s head side.

They relaxed together like this, Shane going soft inside him, cum going out Ryan’s hole when he finally went out. Shane kissed his shoulder blades, peppering the large of his arm on them, making Ryan smile with the heaviness of his larger body on top of his.

He kissed his fingers one by one, rubbed his face and nose on his hand with eyes closed like a little dog and Ryan caressed his cheek, the feeling of his stubble so present, it reminded him that he’ll have beard burns everywhere on his body, and Ryan loved the idea of it like never before.

“I’m yours,” Shane said, Ryan stopped his ministrations, looking at the man’s face. Shane opened his eyes and Ryan swallowed. “I’ve always been.”

It made him remember those texts and how much it didn’t matter anymore.

Ryan moved, making Shane break their position and sit on the bed, but he pushed him to lay down again. He kissed him softly, wanting to let him know how much he truly loved him, how important he was in his life, how much he didn’t want this to end, how much he wanted to stay.

His arms circled him, suddenly crushing him against Shane’s body, sweat with sweat, skin so against skin, so close it was impossible to tell where one started and the other ended. Ryan hugged him back, mouth opened on his, kissing deeper, not giving a fuck about breathing and how disgusting they smelled and tasted at the moment.

“Shane,” Ryan called him in a low tone, cradling his face and leaning his forehead on Shane’s. “All I want is to be yours, just—“

Shane caressed his lips with one finger, smiling at him. “You’re mine.”

“Baby—” Ryan wanted to insist, remind him of what was happening later, but Shane talked first.

“We figure it out,” he declared, Ryan’s heart felt heavy. “Okay?” He pecked his lips, going back to hug him thigh. “If you aren’t here, I have way too much spare air.”

Ryan sighed, closed his eyes and tried to lose the frown from his face, hiding in Shane’s chest. He opened his eyes again, and sighed, the words in the tip of his tongue: _I love you, Shane. I love you, now and before, now and forever_. But none of them found their way out.

He traced Shane’s medal tattoo with his fingers, their silence so sweet he was enjoying it with the up and down of Shane’s chest. They were gross as fuck right now, laying on their own spunk, covered in sweat and semen, smelling. And he couldn’t care any less.

It wasn’t until the man moved, making him lay on his side, that Ryan noticed Shane had fallen asleep and the nightstand light went off behind him, making Ryan look around to find nothing—he shook his head and Shane moved again.

Even in that state, Shane’s body recognized his at his side, spooning him immediately and adopting that pose he had loved since the first time they slept like this. The security of Shane’s arm on his body, his big hand with his fingers interlocked with his, over his beating heart… yes.

Yes, this was him coming home.

* * *

 

This time, he woke up to the sound of his phone.

Ryan didn’t found it on the nightstand where he had left it after the shower last night, it was on the ground and he wondered at what hour they had kicked it out its place.

His legs felt like jelly still. He smiled, moving to take the phone and see who was calling, noticing his ass was sore and man, did he love that little pain.

Andrew.

Well, it was nice to be alive until now.

“Yeah?” He answered, heard a long sigh the other side of the line. “Sorry, I just—“

“I’m not asking.” He said, he sounded annoyed but not angry. “Although, you could have told us you weren’t coming last night…”

“I’m so sorry, I just… got distracted.” Ryan answered, he felt his cheeks warm.

Outside, he heard steps and a happy voice calling someone, little paws running around—Shane had gone for his dog. Ryan sighed while listening to Andrew laugh.

“Ryan, we have to be at the airport by at least 3:30 p.m., remember?” he said. Ryan bit his bottom lip. “You need to come for your shit, man.”

“Yeah, yeah—just… okay, I’m going. Later, before 1 p.m. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

The door opened, a small grey blur entered fast and went directly to the bed in spite of Shane’s voice asking it to stop. Ryan smiled seeing as the dog moved her tail and smelled around, going to Ryan’s open arm as Shane entered the room with a smile, strangely wearing sporty gear.

Ryan frowned, petting the dog and saying goodbye to Andrew.

“I’ll be there, don’t worry. Again, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything last night…”

Shane moved his hand, asking who it was. Ryan mouthed ‘Andrew’, before finally saying goodbye. He sighed, leaving his phone again in the table, giggling at the dog that had presented her belly for him to scratch.

“You went out?”

“You sleep like a baby when you are well-fed,” Shane said, amusement in his voice.

“Fuck you,” Ryan answered, playing with the dog, Shane only laughed. “So you are Daisy? You are Daisy?” He talked to the dog in his baby voice, listening to Shane enter the bathroom and using the sink. “You are so cute, yes you are, you are so cute!”

He could feel Shane’s eyes on him and soon enough, he was climbing the bed fast, tackling him with kisses on his face and neck, making the dog get excited and start barking, jumping around them as Shane kept kissing his neck, his jaw, his chin, his face, every bit he could reach while Ryan laughed, yelling at him to stop but not meaning a single word.

It wasn’t until Shane finally kissed him that the little surprised shock stopped, Ryan took a deep breath, enjoying the sensation of Shane’s warm mouth opening and his tongue caressing his. The man moved his head, making the kiss deeper and slower, melting on it as Ryan interlocked his fingers on his hair.

Daisy forced her snout between them, smelling around and moving her tail, happily going to lick Shane’s face. Ryan laughed, calling her attention when Shane started to complain, and the dog went to his face now, licking his cheek and his closed mouth.

Shane laughed, moving the dog away while pretending to call her out.

“Don’t do that, young lady, what manners are those?” he said to her, Ryan opened his eyes to watch as he looked at the little dog and she kept moving her tail. “You can’t do that to our visitor, he’s gonna believe you’re a spoiled little thing!”

God.

“Mmm? It’s that what you want?” He kissed her head, she arched her neck towards Shane’s face. “You want to expose how whipped for you your papa is?”

He could die happy after witnessing this. Ryan crossed his arms over his chest, bit his thumb as Shane kept talking sweet to the dog, kissing her little head and walking her out the room, not without first promising treats and walks in the park, telling her how good of a girl she always was.

Ryan didn’t know if Daisy could understand a single word, but she didn’t bark or scratch the door when it closed. Good girl.

“I…” Ryan swallowed, several seconds had passed in which they had only look at each other without talking. “I, uhm—need to be back at the hotel by 1 p.m.”

“Oh.” Shane looked away, walking past Ryan to his closet.

Ryan felt his entire body tense. Going back to reality was never easy, uh? The context of yesterday was suddenly hitting the present, reminding them it was time to wake up.

“Well, it’s a little early,” Shane said, searching for something. “I didn’t expect you to wake up just yet.”

“What?” Ryan moved to grab his phone again, reading _almost_ nine in the morning. How late was it when they did it a second time? The fact that he didn’t actually fell tired was surprising as fuck. “Jesus, I’ll be dead by the time our plane leaves…”

The closet’s door closed harshly, surprising even Shane. The man looked at him apologetically and Ryan smiled a little, trying his best not to give away how much he felt like grieving. He watched was Shane went back to the bathroom and he finally stood from the bed, Shane’s eyes on him as he started to undress.

“You wanna take a shower?” he murmured, Ryan nodded while stretching, Shane’s eyes following his movements with what he recognized as hunger. “God, you’re gorgeous at any fucking moment, with any fucking hair.”

Laughing, he walked towards him, hugging his hips and burying his face on his chest. One of Shane’s hands went to his hair, the other on his back, rocking them softly as they stood in the bathroom’s entrance. There would never be something as good as this, definitely.

“I can come back, if you want.” Ryan murmured against Shane’s skin. “I would love to keep seeing you.” He said, kissing the tattoo and looking up at him.

Shane seemed lost in thought, probably thinking of all the possible scenarios of a relationship like this while only on his underwear.

“Ryan, I’m never going back to LA,” he reminded him, Ryan nodded and didn’t let him keep talking.

“I know; you don’t have to,” Ryan said, swallowing. His idea was just that; he wasn’t sure if he would eventually get tired or if they’ll find a better way in the middle. But it was something. “I’ll come here every chance I get, but—since you won’t be travelling, you gotta help me sometimes.”

“How would that be?”

“Well, let’s say…” Ryan licked his lips, Shane was looking down at him, listening. “We really should shower, come on.”

The man laughed, disentangled from him and get out his clothes as Ryan put on the hot water and thought his strategy better, leaving the change of clothes Shane had given him last night in the sink after taking them off.

If they were gonna be in a relationship, a long-distance relationship, he wanted to be sure Shane wanted him for the long run. If he was going to be with Shane, it had to be full commitment, and he wasn’t sure if he was in a position to ask for that right in this moment or eventually lay it out.

Shane kissed the back of his neck when they were both in the shower under the water, Ryan leaned his back on his chest and sighed, closing his eyes for a few seconds before using all reminders of bravery he had to explain the plan. He could only hope for the best now.

“I was thinking, I can come here and cover all expenses next time,” he started, turning around to have Shane look distractedly at his shoulder. “But then, next time you’ll cover them.

“I see, since I’m not the one travelling, it would be like if I would.”

“Yeah.” Ryan swallowed, Shane’s face gave noting up. Nothing good, nothing bad. “I’m not gonna be picky, cheapest line is fine. Bus… buses, I guess. Car. I don’t care.”

The man looked at him, smiling just a tiny bit. “I would never let you drive from California to Illinois, moron.” He said, caressing his cheek with the back of his fingers. “Okay,” He smiled. “You can stay here, so we’ll save the hotel.”

“Yes.” Ryan smiled, his shoulders feeling light for the first time in forever.

“And… we can look up some phone plan for the two of us so we can stay in contact as much as we want,” he offered, Ryan nodded, putting his hands on Shane’s cheeks. “It’s not gonna be… easy, though.”

“I know.” Ryan nodded again, he caressed Shane’s face and the man closed his eyes. Ryan pulled him towards his face, their foreheads touching under the hot water, both just breathing in and out for a few seconds before speaking again. “But I don’t care. I already know what is like to not have you, and uhm—I don’t love it.”

Shane smiled, opening his eyes to look at him with the sweetest expression, all that fondness tasting more like love than any other thing. “I don’t love it either.”

He kissed his forehead, Ryan sighed happily and corresponded his kiss when Shane’s lips found his.

“We’ll figure it out.” Shane said again.

* * *

 

Andrew didn’t seem as mad at Ryan as the man had thought he would be. He seemed more interested in talking to Shane, Ryan blinked at the scene before him as the two men seemed to catch up with each other.

He had a room to clean up, bags to pack. Ryan left them to their conversation in the lobby after being told Tiffany was still packing her own baggage.

Yawning, Ryan first decided to change his clothes, something more comfortable for his travel back to Los Angeles, thinking of his parents’ home and what he would say to them. Should he keep a secret that Shane was now… well. Should he use that word, call Shane his boyfriend? They had just agreed to keep seeing each other, he assumed being exclusive, too.

Did that mean they were a couple now or not?

Someone knocked at the door gently, Ryan let them in with a neutral command, going now for his used clothes to put on a bad, apart for what was clean still.

“Sorry.” He heard Shane’s voice and he immediately turned to see the man closing the door to the room. “Can I help you or something?”

Ryan smiled at him. “I’m fine, Big Guy.” He admitted, making space for the bag with dirty clothes. “Never seen Andrew talk that much in my life.”

“What? Oh, man—“ Shane laughed with him, it was such a wonderful thing to hear.

He felt him closer, his lips suddenly on his cheek and Ryan sighed. God, if he was getting used to this… surviving with just calls and texts while at home was going to be pure torture.

Ryan moved again, wanting to get this over and have a few extra minutes to spend with Shane. He took his shoes back to his bag, now he just needed to clear up the bathroom and he was gone. He looked at Shane sitting on the bed, distractedly looking through his phone, suddenly yawning. Ryan smiled again.

In the bathroom, he put everything back on his little toiletries bag, leaving out his deodorant to apply a little and his toothbrush to clean up before going. They needed to be at the airport soon; Ryan dreaded the hour like it was a monster about to eat him. And maybe, in a way, it was.

“I need to ask you something,” Shane said from the room, Ryan made a sound to indicate he was listening. “Are we… like, are we dating now? Or are we just going to try and see what happens?”

Ryan pocked his head out the bathroom, toothbrush on his mouth.

“I—I would like to think we are a couple,” he said with some difficulty, he hoped the man had understood his words.

He heard Shane approaching the bathroom when he went back in to spit on the sink and finish cleaning his mouth. Shane was standing in the door’s frame, leaning on it and arms crossed over his chest. Ryan watched him through the mirror and waited.

“So, are we exclusive, too?” Shane asked, almost murmured. Ryan nodded, Shane nodded back at him. “Alright, I love that.”

Ryan smiled at him on the mirror, finished cleaning up and getting everything on his little bag. He was ready now… and he didn’t want to go.

“Can I tell people?” Ryan asked. “Like—my parents, mostly. God,” He laughed, cheeks pink at the thought. “My mom is going to be so happy!”

He heard Shane laugh with him, nodding along as he stepped inside the bathroom and went behind him. His arms rounded him, forehead resting on his shoulder, it gave him goosebumps on his neck and chest to see that image in the mirror. Ryan sighed.

“I mean—not right away, but… eventually.” He said.

“Yeah.”

“And there’s…” Ryan swallowed, Shane looked up at him through the mirror. Ryan’s hand went to his cheek and Shane leaned on it. “I’m still very much a public person,” he reminded him, Shane only nodded. “I still have the fuckton of followers and I interact a lot with them. I’m still invited to Midsummer, to other cons…”

“I know.”

“You, you disappeared from social media and—I don’t want to expose you to that, but I also really, really like showing off my boyfriend.”

Shane froze for a second, Ryan immediately tried to correct himself but it wasn’t necessary. Shane’s smile was the most beautiful thing in the world, genuinely happy for the first time since they met in the lobby of this hotel just the night before.

“Did you just called me your boyfriend?”

“Oh, come on.”

“I’m serious!” Shane said, he was so close to Ryan’s face, to his ear.  His breathe was hot, his whole face showing how excited he was. “You want to show me off? Me?”

“Well,” Ryan turned his head a little to see him right in the eyes. “Yeah. You are my boyfriend now, and I like taking pictures—I like posting shit on Instagram. You know me.”

“Yeah, I do.” Shane kissed his nose. “It’s okay.” He said, then licked his lips, suddenly looking apologetic. “I do have social media, though. I just… have it private and didn’t add you.”

“Wow, you really tried to cut me out.” He said, Ryan bit his tongue inside his mouth after noticing what he had just said. “I mean—“

“I did,” Shane said, not looking mad at all or even bothered, just smiling. “Look how that turned out. Not that I’m complaining, to be honest.”

Ryan smiled, hands on Shane’s over his belly. He sighed deeply and enjoyed the moment, Shane burying his face on his neck and shoulder.

“Guess it’s time to come back and say I’m alive,” he murmured. “Even if I keep it closed, people will add me right away the second you tag me in something. And I don’t want to forbid you from posting shit, I don’t want you to change something so stupid just for me.”

“You’re gonna make your accounts public?” Shane only nodded, Ryan smiled and looked at his phone in the counter. “Don’t move,” He said, taking the phone and opening its front camera.

Shane noticed his intentions immediately, smiling against his neck with the most bedroom eyes he could muster and really, Ryan just felt his cheeks go red. He took a selfie like that, then went back to the normal setting of the camera, and looked at their reflection in the mirror through the phone.

He imagined one hundred million captions for this, and then none. An official one, just it on his Instagram, printed on his apartment at his bed’s side, on his parent’s living room, made into some ridiculous meme in some kid’s Instagram, being passes around on twitter, people asking him what it meant.

None of it bothered him, he didn’t care.

Shane looked at the camera through the mirror at the same time he did. Ryan interlocked their fingers on his belly and smiled when Shane did the same, those bedroom eyes again.

“That’s a good one,” Shane said, “Send it to me, okay?”

“Yeah.” Ryan smiled. “We’re gonna be that annoying couple, huh? The ones that snap a million pics of each other,” Shane started to laugh, that beautiful expression on his face again, “and have another million selfies together, and ask other people to take pics of them everywhere. And then, they go—“

“Hey babe, don’t forget to send me the pics!”

Ryan snorted, nodding as Shane took out his phone. “I’ll spend twenty minutes choosing what selfie post, an hour to choose my icon on Instagram.”

“Oh, you are putting me in your Instagram profile? I’m honored.”

Ryan shook his head, leaned his back against Shane’s chest again and smiled up at the camera when the man put it over them. One picture, Shane went to kiss his cheek, two. Three with them kissing, four with them laughing, five with them looking at the camera with smiles again.

“Sweetheart, we are gonna be just fine,” Shane reminded him.

Ryan nodded.

* * *

 

(17:02) _I love you._

Ryan blinked a couple of times, reading again: _I love you_.

“Are you okay?” Andrew asked at his side, frown on his face. “Dude, you are pale—are you, are you crying?”

“I’m—“ Ryan swallowed, his voice cut. “Sorry, no. No, I’m not crying. And boy, I’m more than okay.”

The man looked at him up and down, trying to find what was going on.

In theory, Ryan knew Andrew would understand, but he still said nothing, putting his phone against his chest and looking outside the window as the fly attendants kept explaining the safety instructions for their fly.

Saying goodbye to Shane had been difficult.

They had just started this part of their relationship, he was—he was his boyfriend now, no love confessions because they weren’t really that necessary and also, he didn’t want to scare the shit out of the older man just yet.

Shane knew him, he knew the kind of sap he was, how much he yearned for a long term commitment, his future plans.

He may not share his opinions on marriage and having a family, but they could work on that later, find what was their path together, make decisions as a unit when things are said and done, settle down after their first tries.

Shane had looked sad, but hopeful. It filled Ryan’s heart with warm, surer that this was it, this was the best idea he has ever had and they were going to make it.

Andrew and Tiffany said goodbye first after Shane drove them to the airport, stayed with them through the line to register their bags and walked them to their waiting room where he sat down for a while to wait with them.

When his flight had called, Ryan was the last one to stand and the last one to say goodbye.

“Travel well, text me when you get home,” Shane told him, holding his hands in his. “Say hi to Linda and Mr. Bergara, please.”

“Of course.” He smiled. “You say hi to your parents for me, and to your brother.”

Shane nodded, moving to hug him tight and kiss his forehead, his nose and his lips. They kissed for a long while, just lips against lips, sweet and innocent. Just then, Ryan realized there was no finality in this, nor sadness, or sense of continuity. It was a start, something that needed to happen and would had no matter what.

He was glad it was now.

“Uhm,” Shane swallowed visibly. “You tell Micki I love her.” Ryan blinked at that, wanted to ask what was up. But Shane looked nervous, eyes directly on Ryan’s, cheeks pink. “Tell her there’s no day I don’t think of her.” Because he wasn’t talking about his dog. “Tell her I’m eager to see her again and have her in my arms.”

Ryan went to kiss him again, harder this time, a little bit desperate and hungry. He could wait whatever Shane needed to say those words directly to him, he could do anything for this man as long as he was his.

“Tell Daisy I love her, too,” Ryan answered, Shane smiled wide and stupid. He looked gorgeous. “Tell her I can’t wait to come back and spend all waking hours with her.”

“You bet I’ll tell her.”

Ryan sighed, noticing how very short the line was. Just five more people and him.

“Good,” he said, swallowing. “I’ll be seeing you soon, Big Guy.”

“Alright, Little Guy.” Shane kissed his knuckles and finally let go. “Take care, baby. Thanks for last night…” He sighed. “For everything.”

He shook his head, smiled wide. “Nothing to thank me for. It’s you, okay? All I want is you.”

They said nothing next, just waved at each other. Ryan turned around, walked to the person waiting for him to enter the last room before finally going. He turned back to find Shane still waiting for him to go. He waved at him, Shane smiled and waved back—and he went ahead, back to Shane.

Now he was sitting on his plane about to leave, a new text from Shane on his phone. Ryan opened it again, looking at the single words:

(17:02) _I love you._

He couldn’t help but kiss the screen a little, chuckling as he went to write back, but Shane was writing something else.

(17:05) _I couldn’t wait for next time to tell you but was too much of a wuss._

_But I do_

(17:06) _I love you, Ryan._

Ryan swallowed, nodding and not caring Andrew was looking at him like if he was out of his mind. He sighed and wrote back:

(17:07) I love you quite a bunch, Big Guy

They were starting over.

He had to put his phone on plane mode and Ryan sighed, looking as the sun filtered through his window, the city under them. He’ll get back soon enough, that between them making them always be around the other, attracting the other to their presence no matter what.

No matter time, distance and demons. Here they were, finally; and they were going to figure it out.

Ryan closed his eyes, complete at least.

*******

******

*****

 

**Author's Note:**

> This story will have a sequel called Dive.
> 
> Thank you all for reading! Maybe I'll see you on [my tumblr](http://yaboybergara.tumblr.com/)? Have a good day!


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